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Chase Utley has reportedly fixed everything

Just when you thought the Phillies' second baseman was gone forever, he returns to tell you to shut up.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Nobody wanted to tell Chase Utley that he was retiring, mind you. They just wanted to hint at it until he kind of got the message and went away on his own. But that's never going to happen. Chase Utley could be nothing but a bruised thumb and he'd be inching his way out of the dugout to second base.

But what's this? Chase isn't going away?! I figured he was trapped in a meat locker with Cliff Lee by now. Not yet, according to Ken Rosenthal. In fact, he apparently has fixed every problem.

Every Chase Utley Problem, anyway. Still have a few others out there. ISIS, probably.

But that's a hell of a source Rosenthal has there within the Phillies organization, if they can say that not only has Chase's health returned, but also his swing is now fixed. Ah, it was the ankle the whole time! Of course! Why didn't we think of that! Probably too scared of ISIS. Maybe focus on that problem, Chase.

This is all conjecture until Chase gets back out there and proves that his swing is now a swing again, and how exactly holding the bat with his ankles is going to help, but it's still some form of positive news. I mean, even if it is time for him to be traded or retire, at least he isn't feeling as bad as he was before.