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Nola: the FIPining

Wherein I ate a Schmitter, drank a couple quarts of Yuengling, and began to hallucinate during a "play at the plate" review.

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Today, Phillies fans celebrate Phat Tuesday. This is the day where a new callup from Lehigh Valley brings gifts of bacon to consume on the last day of excess permitted before a long period of lean times starts.

After Phat Tuesday comes The Starving Times, where the Phillies kill off their last things of value to survive this, our Donner Season: their last livestock, including their last draft Hamels. They eat some of their own to survive, especially the nice big ones (Howard) though he is thinned from this being lean times. Others die in the snow trying to get help (Ruiz, Francoeur). They'd live, but we've already eaten the tauntauns.

Papelbon builds a snowman and sings an annoying song and everyone kills him and eats him. Domonic Brown becomes a white walker. Chase Utley burns him with fire and joins the Night Watch but is slain by Ruben Amaro, who did not want to lose his position as Maester when the new king arrived from the south. Darin Ruf watches it all, yelling, "HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR!"

At the end, Ben Revere clicks his heels together three times and wakes up at home in bed, with Auntie Wheeler stroking his forehead with a sponge while farmhand Larry Andersen drinks from a ceramic crock of homemade white lightning and bitches about the plot holes.

...and I awoke, sweating, panting, and the narcan was still in my wife's hand. Time to take my BOGO tickets and go see Nola. I mean, the Phillies are throwing tickets at passersby on the interstate. You should go, too. It's not too late to be part of Nola: the FIPining.