Cole Hamels has one more game to prove he is a good pitcher! The Phillies' window to trade Jonathan Papelbon is closed! Wait, is it?! Yes, it is! And what about Chase Utley's ankle? Can we trade it yet? Gosh!
There sure is a bunch of crazy stuff going on! Let's turn to our perfectly stable, cohesive front office to explain:
[Opens door, is immediately met by wailing maelstrom of shifting shapes, flashing colors, and a huge, blinking human eye backed by eternally spiraling nothingness. Cliff Lee floats by wordlessly.]
[Door is slammed shut]
What the shit?!
I knew things were getting a little strange in there, with Pat Gillick still technically in charge, but Andy MacPhail waiting to become team president, and Ruben Amaro still holding onto his job, and isn't Ed Wade living in the vents or something? Christ, who knows. But it sure is weird to--
"There's nothing weird about this situation."
Hmm? Oh, Ruben; it's you, via Todd Zolecki. Thank god. I thought that massive, disembodied eye ball had gotten through the door and was communicating with me via mind-shattering telepathy. Maybe you can shine a little light on this. There's a lot of trade talk floating around, so sometimes we forget the transitional phase of the office through which any deals will go.
"It's pretty clear-cut. Andy is an advisor right now. He's going to become the president. I think he's part of the decision-making process, but Pat is my boss. He kind of has the ultimate say. He'll consult with the ownership group, and we'll try to make good decisions. Both Pat and Andy are working together to do what's best for the Phillies."
You're right, that's not too difficult to follow. Maybe awkward for, you know, you, since it's easy to imagine MacPhail cleaning house and bringing in his own people once he's in charge. But still. I just thought that
"Everybody has their opinions and everybody is free to express them... At the end of the day, I think we'll bring together what we think is important to us as a unit. We'll move forward unified."
"I'm the point guy."
I think they're called "runs" in baseball, actually, Ruben. Ha ha ha. Right?
[Goes to elbow RAJ in ribs playfully; elbow just goes through him as if he is just smoke.]
What the hell
"It's speculation. It's people speculating, I guess, about things they probably don't know much about."
Whoa, now; careful, RAJ. You've gotten in trouble in the past when you've guessed at the intelligence level of entire groups of people. I'd agree you know far more about the inner workings of the Phillies than anybody out here, outside the Phantom Zone, but I'm sure your frustrations are teetering you towards a rant here and I think you may want to--
[Ruben disappears through the front office, briefly allowing the terrifying howling to come through again]
[Curiosity gets better of me and I open the door again; it now just reveals a brick wall]
What the hell