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Crazy-eyed Jeff Francoeur has first taste of bloodlust; likes it

The Phillies' current MVP looks to burn happiness off the face of the earth like a plague.

Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies aren't contenders to win the NL East.

They aren't contenders to land the top Wild Card spot, nor are they contenders to sneak in and steal the second one. The Phillies are barely contenders to get out of bed in the morning. If you are going by their base running record, the Phillies don't seem to be contending for anything except getting off the diamond as fast as possible.

And what happens to a team when it's almost August and there is no hope of contention? Why, you allow the blackness to taint your heart until the life leaves your eyes and you exist solely to destroy the contention of others.

Jeff Francoeur is a nice man with a fantastic smile. He hopped on the Phillies Express this season, just wanting a shot. Somewhere along the line, the team's putrid, festering crapitude deeply infected him, sprouting boils on his soul and devouring his kindness. When friends and family look at him now, all that's staring back is a puppet of pure malice.

Francoeur made this clear when asked what his intentions were for his 35-63 team after bashing a home run to give them a somewhat meaningless 5-3 win over the Cubs, whose fans still have hope for 2015.

"Ruin other teams," Francoeur said, asked if the last-place Phillies would like to play spoiler in the second half. "That's what you want to do. At this point, that's why you want to play."

Francoeur then laughed hoarsely before having a furious coughing fit and spewing out a dense, lightless goo out of his mouth that sizzled through the clubhouse floor.

The Phillies locker room was off-limits for press for a while as a HAZMAT team came in, but left only a few minutes later, shaking their heads and consoling each other.