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Take that, contender for most stacked team in the league! We won a game! The terrible, awful Phillies won a game! And now that we did that, we're...
Well, the team is still bad. How bad? Well, they have 29 wins. They're the only MLB team not at 30 wins. Or 31. Or 32. Or 33, 34, or 35. They're uh, 6 games "up" in the 2016 draft chase, so that's something for a bad team that's only likely to get worse as now-incumbent-starter Cesar Hernandez comes back to earth.
There's also all the offense to get excited about! I mean, yeah, okay, one game was a bullpen game and they beat up on Los Angeles' notoriously disappointing bullpen (and then got ethered by Kenley Jansen), and one game was against the shambling corpse of Brett Anderson, imbued by a surely evil warlock with longevity beyond his ken and the ability to pitch a pretty darn good season when he's -- ah, let's say he's 78. That's got to be close.
But say whatever you want! The Phillies demolished those failed starters and 78 year old man and their 14 runs earned them a 1-1 record! Which...okay, that's really bad too.
Adam Morgan: Did you guess that Adam Morgan would have a 2.13 ERA? No, me neither. Did you guess he'd be striking out more than seven batters per nine innings while walking only a little more than 2 per 9? No, same here! Those are 2012 numbers! This guy could be the Cliff Lee clone we all expected back when Roy was still around! Both Roys! Oh, but also, here's the other thing -- ha ha -- he's also extremely prone to home runs. Which, like, has only been a thing since his shoulder injury. And it makes him kind of much less valuable at baseball stuff. But maybe he'll surprise us all and get things under control and become the Phillies' Michael Wacha!
Or, uh, he'll flame out. Probably...probably that latter one.
Clayton Kershaw: Speaking of flame outs...you see this, you hear about this? This guy...this Kershaw guy! He doesn't have an ERA under 3? I, heh, he isn't an All-Star? Uhh, good job having a couple of bad starts that skew your numbers unfairly while still remaining as-if-not-more dominant as a pitcher, buddy! That's not gonna win you yet another Cy Young award before you're thirty! Ha, I mean...come on!
Prediction: 45-3 Phillies.