Phillies Product Review: Sanitary Wipes

Every now and then, I come across a bit of Phillies swag that I feel compelled to buy...a bobblehead, an autographed baseball, a shirsey.  That sort of thing. I don't often purchase consumables that are branded since I stopped being able to get tickets in packages of Phillies Franks.

Phillies Sanitary Wipes, though? Could. Not. Resist. It was a slow burn, though.

For months, I walked past a hanging display at my local grocery store offering these for sale. They were overpriced, and I resisted initially on that basis. Also, I don't really *need* sanitary wipes since I have, you know, soap and stuff. I no longer possess a child that craps in a diaper anymore, with my children having progressed beyond that stage, thankfully. Nor is my old, incontinent beagle with an occasional prolapse still with me, having been put down this past winter. See? Sanitary wipes? I have no need. I could not justify this purchase, even as raw material for jokes about feces and incontinence.

Still, I bought them. Why? Partly, I was curious. I wanted to examine the packaging. Smell the fragrance packaged with "Philadelphia Phillies Antibacterial Hand Wipes."  Do they have a fresh spring Nola smell? Or is it more of an old man smell, laced with nonenal, Aqua Velva, and Brylcreem? Were they moist, and designed with a texture facilitating the quick and convenient removal of filth and leaving only an antiseptic, yet slightly leathery, odor of Eau de Bowa?

I had to know.

I bought a package. It looks like this:

Having been out of the baby ass wiping business for a number of years now, I could not tell whether the price was a value or not. Clearly, this is a "convenience" package (and impulse purchase item) for putting in someone's purse, backpack, or glove box. The price was surely breathtaking on a unit price.

The flap on top that opens was securely sealed, and it pulled open relatively easily, but it split as it opened, so it can never be closed again.Not good.

I raised the wipes to my nose to discover the olfactory delight awaiting me, and I inhaled deeply. It smelt of...nothing. You can't imagine my disappointment. I hoped for at least a generic "wipe" smell.

Among the inactive ingredients are my favorites, like "Propylene Glycol", "Chloro-methyl-isothiazolinone", and "Fragrance." I'd hoped for *something* but my fucking "wet" wipes were DRIED OUT. In a sealed package. I got a dud package of so called "wet" wipes. The shelf life must not be good.

Not only were the wipes duds, but they seemed to be made out of a material that resembled nothing so much as dryer sheets. If I had to wipe off an infant or toddler posterior with these things, I am 100% sure that I would be thereafter calling to the Wipes bullpen for more wipes to wipe off my hands that would be thoroughly covered with fecal matter working its way through these Phillies wipes.

I did try to moisten one up to clean off my remaining beagle's ear -- she has a mild ear infection that we are clearing up with meds. She bit me, then peed on my shoes afterward.

My recommendation: When searching for a product to clean up after a Jerome Williams homerfest, or for use to expose your child to Phillies branding, steer clear of "American Hygiene Sports Series Philadelphia Phillies Antibacterial Hand Wipes" on sale at your local grocery store.  While you may be able to chew them like snuff to suck out the residual Vitamin E, you will not be able to smell a distinctly Phillies brand of sanitary odor, nor will you be able to wipe things up with them. In fact, you may as well just set money on fire in a pile on your lawn as buy these things.

Branding and licensing with third parties can be hit or miss. I'm not sure who in MLB gave a green light to branded wipes anyway. As mentioned at the outset, the jokes make themselves, especially for this year's Phillies. But if you do approve something like this, the product ought to be something less than total garbage.

Product: Phillies Wipes

Pros:Emergency source of Vitamin E.

Cons: Inability to wipe up feces. Lack of odor to cover up smell of feces. Broken out of the box. Expensive. Probably would poison you if you tried to eat them to extract the Vitamin E. Will cause your dog to bite you.

Evaluation: NOT RECOMMENDED