Major League Baseball's letter to Larry Bowa

Larry Bowa thinks he'll get a letter from MLB's Joe Torre. What might it say? "It will say, 'Dear Larry, I miss you.'" #Phillies

— Stephen Gross (@SteveGrossMCall) August 26, 2015

Well, Larry, here we are again.

I know you were thinking you'd be receiving a memorandum from your close acquaintance Mr. Torre, but the brass felt as though this was the perfect opportunity for my office to exert the full brunt of its authority, and also remind the rest of the sport that it exists in hopes that respect for it starts now. Then they closed the door and laughed while saying mean things about me, using exactly the sort of language my office was conceived to prevent. Then they realized I hadn't left the room before they closed the door, shoved me out of the room, and the laughter and swearing continued, only muffled through a very expensive door this time.

Adolescent bullying aside, we are moving forward with your case, despite the death threats and human feces you've sent me in the mail in anticipation of a punishment. I've taken the opportunity to review your file, then spent several nights crying and vomiting, then tried to burn it but it wouldn't burn, so I'm assuming this is going to lead to a few more nights of wandering the streets, disheveled and traumatized. Let's get it over with and examine the incident in question, shall we?

Hmm, yeah, okay, I see the problem here. Right around the 0:06 mark, when Darin Ruf starts to smile nervously like he's just run into his school teacher at the grocery store, there is a very clear case of what my Baseball Obscenities Manual refers to as a "Larry Bowa," which is of course, "the mindless shrieking of the words 'f****** horse s***' in that order."

Then you somehow roped sweet, innocent Jeff Francoeur into this, forcing us to put a mark on his permanent record as well. Come on, Larry. Jeff was doing so well, and you're bringing him down with you. I mean he wasn't doing well at baseball but he seemed to be a somewhat well-adjusted human operating in civilized society. You know what I mean. There are so few of those remaining, and he is now tainted by your evil.

Right, see, and then at 0:19, when you're ejected, there's a lot of finger-pointing and body-shaking, like your blood is on fire? That's just upsetting to watch as a fan of both the national pastime and of humans moving their bodies normally.

You've got a lot of players and coaches loitering out there with you, not really sure who to be mad at. That's not a good sign, Larry. Either that or they know better than to approach you when you are preparing to unhinge your jaw and swallow an umpire's head. Something else to consider here is that you're doing all this in front of Phillies fans, who are so gutted and delirious by this point they are at any moment one misguided argument away from collectively turning into a monstrous 'Rat King' but with people.

And at the time in question, Larry, you provided them that moment. You can hear the weaker ones starting to crack in the video, hurling vitriol at the umpires as if they know or understand what is going on. Thank goodness men like Bob McClure were out there to finger their mustaches until order was restored.

Now there's a man who knows how to diffuse a situation.

Well, that just about does it, I'd say. We'll add up each of the fines separately and have a full invoice for you by the end of the--oh right, this.

Do you know how many Philadelphians assumed you were talking to them personally in this moment and seriously injured themselves attacking their televisions in response? According to the police reports I could round up, 17. But I stopped collecting them by about 12:30 that night so chances are it was at least double that, assuming this game was played in encore on TCN.

Yes, the camera angle and the decimated Philadelphia school system are partially to blame, but, despite your past counterarguments in this exact situation, we all know you are indeed in control of the violent obscenities that do and don't come out of your mouth and you have not "entered a dreamlike state, unable to control or recall your own actions," as you put it last time while chuckling.

So yes, there will likely be several fines added to your extremely large tab that the broken men who have held my position have passed on from generation to generation.

Maybe learn where the cameras are for next time,

Major League Baseball Office of the Minister of Obscenities