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Suck it, Sunday: Padres 9, Phillies 4


Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

During the course of today's 9-4 loss to the Padres, I did the following:

  • Went to Home Depot
  • Took the screen door off my front door
  • Gave the front door two coats of white paint
  • Replaced the doorknob on my upstairs hall closet door

That is how I marked time during today's game, so let's start from the beginning.

As I walked the aisles of Home Depot, searching for a doorknob that didn't cost $30, Matt Kemp hit a two-run home run off the debuting Alec Asher. I couldn't tell if the doorknobs had sizes, so I just picked one out. It took me 10 minutes to find the aisle with the screwdrivers, and I start to wonder if they go by a different name that I'm not aware of. My demeanor at the store said I'VE TOTALLY DONE THIS BEFORE HA HA HA HA PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY VAGUELY PANICKED LOOK.

I pulled into my driveway just as Cameron Rupp hit a monster solo shot in the second inning. This seemed like a good omen, so I decided that I should overhaul my front door. By the third inning, I had nearly unscrewed the screen door when Alec Asher came up to bat for the first time in the majors. His father, Bob Asher, is the announcer for the Lakeland Flying Tigers, and he got to introduce his son.

That was so sweet. I was crying, but it wasn't because of the touching father-son baseball moment. It was because I'd whacked myself in the face with part of the screen door, and it HURT.

Asher wrapped up his debut in the sixth inning, as I was halfway through coating my front door with white paint. For a debut, it wasn't bad. He went 5 2/3 innings, and allowed four runs and one walk. It could have been worse! How much worse? Adam Loewen, who pitched the eighth (after Hector Neris allowed one run in the seventh), was there to give everyone an example. Loewen faced five hitters and didn't record an out. It went: single, single, wild pitch, Liz spills paint all over herself, single, visit to the mound, Liz gets paint on her face, single, walk, Loewen leaves the game, Liz finishes painting her door. Justin De Fratus came in after, and he allowed another run just for good measure.

The Phillies flailed in the late innings, very similar to my doorknob installation-related flailing which I was going through at the same time. Maybe the doorknob DID have a size, since everything on my closet was too small to fit the one I bought. Not one to give up, and since I'd already taken off the old crappy doorknob and accidentally broke it, I had no choice but to keep going. As the Phillies attempted a comeback with two runs in the eighth and one in the ninth, I convinced the doorknob to eventually an hour later fit into the damn door. The Phillies accomplished their feat with two triples, two singles, and a groundout. I accomplished mine with sandpaper and a lot of swearing. Though the swearing was mostly because I hit my thumb with the hammer three separate times. And because the Phillies lost, despite their comeback attempt.

My house is in better condition than it was when the day started. I myself am a little worse for wear. And the Phillies are on their way to New York and the stadium of pain. I can't believe they have to face the Mets again. I can't believe it.