How to deal with a team you can't beat

Sweet lord, the Phillies are 1-12 against the Mets in 2015. The Mets scored 40 runs on the Phillies during their last series, which was four games. In game one, the Phillies had two different pitchers surrender five runs. Their closer is unveiling new pitches in late August. We were all Met-shaming right around the Trade Deadline for making Wilmer Flores cry on the field and for letting their deal for Carlos Gomez fall apart for what still seems like no reason. And then they wound up with Yoenis Cespedes!

The Mets have a team that keeps winning games, which in the NL East sets you so far ahead of everyone else. So, if you're the Phillies, what in all that's holy are you supposed to do?

Attack their credibility

"Oh, the Mets' future super-rotation? Jacob deGrom couldn't even outduel Joe Kelly, a pitcher so bad the Red Sox wouldn't even trade him to the Phillies."

It's accurate, well-researched statements like this that will tear the Mets apart from the inside. A strategic lineup can only get you so far against the eventual division champions, so at some point, you must worm into their very core and begin to chew.

This ends with the Mets biggest supporters gathered in secret late in the season, turning on each other, their voices cracking and numbers dwindling.

These moments of extreme cowardice and treachery are what baseball is all about. Here are some other starting points:

"Can you believe the Mets let Jeff Francoeur go?"

"If Matt Harvey can't come out of the bullpen to replace himself then what even is the point?"

"The implication of Mr. Met is that he's a human f***** baseball, and the league lets him roam out of containment like he's human."

[Me rapping on bay window of what I believe to be Terry Collins' house but is actually just a blue house] "Come out and face me you miserable wretch! You won't, will you?! NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID." [Wordless pounding] "WHAT IS THE ORIGIN STORY OR MR. MET, THIS MYSTERY HAS CONSUMED ME."

...and, so forth.

Feign death

"Game?' No, you're mistaken. The season ended weeks ago," Pete Mackanin says through the slot in the Phillies clubhouse door as he dumps a canister of gasoline all over everything.

The Mets leave, dejected and humiliated. Pete Mackanin is named NL Manager of the Year for setting a lot of the Phillies clubhouse on fire.

"Gutsy," the press calls it.

Attempt to become their friend

"Hey, guys. Why are we even doing this?" asks a particularly charmIess Bob McClure, wandering into the Mets' batting practice.  "Why don't we all just go out and get some steaks?"

When the Mets unavoidably agree - McClure will be instructed to be VERY insistent, but gentle, as if combing a mustache - that's when the Phillies strike, rushing into the field and playing an entire baseball game before the umpires realize anything is amiss.

Meanwhile, Bob McClure realizes he "left his wallet on the subway" when the very expensive check comes. This was not a part of the plan.

Attempt to join their team

Terry Collins looked up from the handwritten note the oddly shaped man in a Phillies uniform had handed him. "You're saying Ruben Amaro sent you over here as part of a trade?"

"Yes, that's what the note says," said Cody Asche standing on Cesar Hernandez's shoulders.

"You guys are grown men," Collins sighed. "You didn't have to stand on each others' shoulders."

Attempt to play them

Remember the Phillies have one win against the Mets, so let's examine how exactly they pulled that off.

• Freddy Galvis: 3-for-3
• Cole Hamels: 7 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 8 SO
• Ryan Howard: Solo home run

It can't be too difficult to recreate that scenario, even though Galvis, who was hitting .351 at the time on May 8, is now hitting .266, and Cole Hamels is now five minor leaguers and Matt Harrison. That was against Matt Harvey too, which means of course that the Phillies could beat any of the pitchers on the Mets' staff, even if they just proved over a four-game stretch that the exact opposite is true.

In the end, the Phillies don't have a lot of options here. This isn't even the last time they have to play the Mets, either, as a late September series awaits them as well. Sadly, we must acknowledge that the tables have turned and at present, the Phillies are unable to beat the Mets.

But everyone knows that baseball's real action is down in double A these days, where the Reading Fightin Phils have dominated and the lowly Binghamton Mets have only been good enough for second place.