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Jimmy Rollins comes back to Philadelphia a broken man, probably

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Well, well, well. Did you just hit a pop-up, Jimmy Rollins? Because look who came crawling back.

Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

We saw you hit that home run on opening day in Dodger blue, as a clear statement to the Phillies: "I'm glad I'm not on your team anymore and I hated it when I was and if I could have personally knocked on every door of that festering city and clubbed everyone, including the kids, I would have, but I don't have enough time to do that because I'm too worried about my hair or whatever."

Look who finally decided to try. Couldn't put forth that much effort when you were wearing a Phillies uniform, that's for sure.

I remember a certain someone who would jog to first after hitting a pop-up. My kids were watching that day, Jimmy. My kids. And then at their Little League game later, one of them jogged after he hit a pop-up. And you know what? The other kid dropped it, because he sucks. And my kid was still thrown out because he learned how to not hustle from you.

Next thing I know, I'm being forced to leave the premises by the umpire/my ex-wife's boyfriend for throwing equipment at the players. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT JIMMY.

In my day, getting a helmet thrown at you was part of the game, just like running hard on every play. I for one don't buy your excuse that you were hustling when you needed to. You go 100% in baseball, running to first base, running to second base, running to third base, running off the field, running onto the field, running toward the mound to sucker punch the pitcher, running from security when they realize you aren't actually on the team and stole a uniform that you then soiled - 100% all the time. That's what my dad used to tell me when he was leaving our family forever.

Then there's all the other stuff you did, like calling us front-runners seven years ago. Some people think winning an MVP award and a World Series was enough to let go of that, but those people are cowards. Front-runners? In Philadelphia?!?! If we only backed teams that won, we wouldn't be known as the nation's top sports destination, admired by all outsiders and desired by athletes.

"Oh but what about that walk-off double in 2009?" WHO CARES. Even a blind a squirrel knocks in the winning runs of an NLCS game twice a day.

That "team to beat" stuff was bush league, too. As if the Phillies needed the added pressure of your ridiculous claims. That was a young team and they probably would have buckled under the stress you put on them at the beginning of the year, if not for the heroic actions of Chase Utley. Now there's a ballplayer - a guy with the grit and the hustle and the haircut Philadelphia deserves. Why, just the other night he managed a genuine human smile. When's the last time you smiled in Philadelphia, Jimmy?!?! That's the kind of leadership this team needs and when Utley comes back from the disabled list, he's going to infect this city with #wildcardfever.

If you were worth so much in a trade, then I'm sure Dodgers fans are lavishing you with praise. OH WAIT

I threw in a Philly guy at the end there since he is clearly one of the only other people in this town focusing on the distant past LIKE A SANE PERSON.

If anybody is universally praised for their ability to correctly gauge a baseball's talent and influence, it's Dodgers fans. Way to destroy two fanbases, you horrible ghoul.

So when they ask if we'll cheer or boo you tonight, I will let every sports talk show that hasn't banned my number or sent a paddy wagon to my house know that I fully intend to give you the welcome you deserve, the same welcome I give my ex-wife's boyfriend as he tells me to get off their property and the same welcome I give my kids when they tell me how cool Josh actually is if I just give him a chance:

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

--me, later

I think you can be summed up by this guy, who I hope to hang out with some day and throw back a few dollar bottles with as we jam out to some Springsteen:

A clubhouse cancer, that's you - first here, where you lead the team to five playoffs and win a World Series and become the best SS in team history, and then to Los Angeles, who are contending to win their division this year.

Ye... yeah.