FAQ as in Frig: Cubs 5, Phillies 1; Cubs 7, Phillies 3

Well, it's that time of year again: that's right, football season! Aka, baseball blog traffic uptick season while people desperately try to burn through every day that isn't Sunday, Monday, or Thursday (the NFL is close to colonizing Saturday, too, don't worry). As a result, I know there must be ten, potentially tens of Eagles fans just wandering around every sports blog they can find to get some tasty info prior to Monday's game. And we at The Good Phight are thrilled that, after clicking through every side story on Upper Neshaminy Middle School Football, you've decided to check in on the Phillies.

If you're new to the team or it's been a while (2011 is four years ago already!!), you may have some questions. We're going to try to answer them for you.

Do they always play such long games?

No, not usually. What you saw today was called a double header; it's when a team plays two games instead of one. Ironically, the Cubs are famous for this.

Why on earth would anyone want to see this team play two games?

Well there's no proof anyone wants to see them play two games. In fact, the only reason they played two games is because last night's game was rained out, and the season is ending so soon that they needed to get this game in as soon as possible. So hey, free baseball!

Is this proof that God is punishing us?

Yes.

Who are these guys pitching? Do we still have those Halladay and Lee guys? I heard they traded Hamels.

That's right, they-

That bum.

That's wrong! But...ah it's too hard to explain. So, yes and no -- Roy Halladay is retired from baseball, as is Roy Oswalt. Cliff Lee is "rehabbing" which is fun-speak for "getting ready to retire." So the rotation now is mostly just young guys trying to make a case for themselves as future starters.

Adam Morgan was once thought of as a Cliff Lee kind of pitcher, and so far he's had the control numbers to back that up. Tonight, striking out five while walking only one was pretty nifty, but unfortunately, he was also touched for four runs on seven hits.

That doesn't sound like Cliff Lee.

That's not a question.

That doesn't sound like Cliff Lee?

No, it doesn't. But it just reminds you how rare a talent Cliff Lee is. Er, was. ...was.

Ahem! Anyway, Morgan unfortunately took the loss thanks to the Cubs offense, which really got going on poor Alec Asher who's just been kind of dreadful to start his Phillies major league career. It didn't help that Kyle Schwarber and Kris Bryant were there to take advantage of him, but still, six runs? Three home runs? Two strikeouts and three walks? I mean...those are pretty bad numbers, am I right?

I'm not sure...are you right?

I...yes, of course I am. They're terrible.

If you're looking for a bright spot, I guess you can say that the bullpen did pretty well. Dalier Hinojosa keeps making a case for being a pretty nifty pickup. And, uh, Jeanmar Gomez struck out the side earlier tonight.

You made those names up.

I did not. They're very real names. A fake name is, uh, Jorge Provolone.

...

Anyway, the offense wasn't much better in both games, though there were some interesting performances. Aaron Altherr hit a home run off of Jake Arrieta.

Neither of those guys sounds familiar. Were they playing in 2011?

Kind of...but differently. Suffice it to say, Arrieta has been tremendous, and it's a good thing to see Altherr muscle a pitch of his out of the ballpark.

Dingers are still good?

Yes, absolutely they are. Always.

So what else good happened???

Ah, uh...uhm...Odubel Herrera hit a double, and so did Ryan Howard and Cody Asche. Oh and Darnell Sweeney played second, so maybe he'll have some interesting value moving forward. Also, the Earth did not spin completely off its axis, casting us into eternal night as the globe either freezes in the depths of space or becomes immolated by the sun.

So that's a plus.

So why watch this team at all?

Great question. Maybe you're desperate for action between Chip Kelly brilliance? Or, uh, maybe you like rooting for draft picks. If you do, we and the fine folks at Liberty Ballers have you covered. There's a youth movement here, and that's always fun. And, ah, red pinstripes are one of the best uniforms out there, bar none!

You're just making stuff up aren't you?

...you can't prove that.

Man, is there anything to get excited about at all? This is depressing.

Well, one piece of good news: the season is going to be over really soon! And then we can just watch fun Jeff Francoeur gifs until we forget about this awful, awful time.

I'm gonna go watch Sam Bradford gifs now.

Take me with you.....

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