Phillies bat boy is also to blame for poor season, explains Jonathan Papelbon

The Phillies front office has long been under fire for both the decisions they have made and the lack of action taken in pushing through transactions for certain players. Fortunately, Ruben Amaro, the man responsible for every negative aspect of Phillies baseball for the last three years - the team's last place record, the Dollar Dog nights inexplicably ending in June, that time I made accidental eye contact with Jeff Francoeur and felt like he instantly knew I was that guy from online who said really bad things about him for no reason in my early twenties - was let go, signaling that the team is officially moving in a new direction.

Sadly, according to one key piece of the 2012-15 Phillies squads, incompetence has infected the organization on a far deeper level than the general manager.

In his last attempt to explain himself, before the nine-minute interview was cut off by a Nationals media relations representative, Papelbon said you could blame everyone at Citizens Bank Park. Even the bat boy.

"I think the blame goes all the way from the front office all the way down to the bat boy," Papelbon said. "When you don't have an organization that wants to win, it's pretty evident, and they go out and publicly say, we're not going to win. So what more, you know what I mean?"

Fortunately, a Nationals media rep, showing the swiftness and professionalism for which that department of the franchise is widely known, stepped in just in time - only needing nine minutes to grasp the situation - for one of their ex-Phillies players to finish trashing his former team as, well as a teenager who works for them.

We do not know the Phillies bat boy's name, nor do we want to. Could we find out what it is? Probably; the internet is infinitely unhelpful for those who wish to maintain privacy. But having been dragged through the mud by a co-worker already, chances are, the poor lad has likely already been through enough.

Besides, there is no way he could be worse than Billy Earl Pissbucket, the worst bat boy in baseball history.

Heir to the infamous Pissbucket empire, a company that believed their buckets would beat out toilets as the feces-catchers of the future, he was blackballed by his family for running away to join America's up-and-coming pastime. Pissbucket, having joined up with the Sayersville Murderers, soon earned a reputation on the baseball circuit as being just the worst, failing to pray hard enough to stave off an incoming rain storm, suggesting that the team name "is very bad," and frequently falling down after being denied his request for "food and water" in exchange for his services (which included not only 'bat-wrangling' but 'bat-making,' 'bat-carrying' and 'bat-hitting-with' should any of the vicious street urchins of the era get too close to the small wagon with only three wheels on which all of the team's equipment was transported).

Meanwhile, his family lost everything in the great Northern Ohio Pissbucket Fire of 1909, causing a nation looking for a place to relieve themselves to turn to Reginald Q. Toiletson and his crazy, newfangled invention.

Sadly, Billy Earl was killed when he walked into the path of 21 swinging baseball bats held by the members of the Murderers roster, who according to a judge had NOT lived up to their name in this particular case. The judge deemed the death "one of those accidental 25-minute beatings that happen sometimes" before quite coincidentally having a successful tryout with the team that afternoon and becoming their lead-off hitter.

So, we only have to turn to history to see that the Phillies could have it far, far worse than Papelbon describes. Hopefully, the Nationals media rep can move with a tad more urgency when stepping in front of the mouth of a known problem-maker for a team's PR department. But, if we've learned anything this season, it's that the Nationals aren't nearly as good - or even as competent - as anyone thought they would be.

Billy Earl Pissbucket, seen here with the dog he would be commanded to fight for sport by an incredibly drunk Babe Ruth. Billy lost the fight and wound up owned by the dog for seven years.