Those of us who prefer to see pitchers hit know such a scenario involves many poor at-bats, but it also creates images such as Bartolo Colon losing his helmet, the 2011 Phillies rotation holding a formal competition to outdo each other offensively, and late inning plate appearances for relievers who haven't batted since grade school. These are the moments people stay awake for, losing sleep but gaining joy from one of the few realms of the game in which baseball isn't entirely monotonous.
DH advocates, on the other hand, prefer baseball to be a reflection of the sterilized mindset with which they live their lives, fearing the chaos brought on by pitchers hitting, as it disrupts the control they foolishly believe they have over their own existence.
"Everything the same!" they shout suddenly, startling their families at the dinner table, not realizing that even with pitchers hitting, sometimes a haunting sense of symmetry remains.
But it is not enough, and those who fear the chaos of a pitcher's flails as he stands in the batter's box crave the cleansing notion of moving the American League's cowardly designated hitter into a universal role.
For those of us who understand that baseball, a slow-moving game in which any outbursts of fun are smothered by old white people, is better with less predictable situations, there is good news. It has long been said that baseball will inevitably adopt the DH into both of its leagues but commissioner Rob Manfred has recently determined, via ESPN's Jerry Crasnick, that no such movement will be made in the near future.
"The most likely result on the designated hitter for the foreseeable future is the status quo," Manfred said in an interview with ESPN.com in conjunction with his one-year anniversary as commissioner. "I think the vast majority of clubs in the National League want to stay where they are."
This was a small victory for sanity, friends. Many believe baseball's more distant future does involve the spreading of the DH like a plague, but today, we are still immune. Let us celebrate with a viewing of Cliff Lee's 2011 home run against the Braves during Jair Jurrjens' on-air interview, causing the Atlanta pitcher to start groaning with despair.
"Everything the same," DH fans whisper to themselves, delivering good night kisses to each individual member of their "family" - a still-boxed collection of bobble heads.
Not yet, friend. Not yet.