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It's time to talk about the origins of the Phillies' spring training hat

Somewhere, in a dark room...


Phillies Spring Training hat development meeting, 2016

MAN 1: "The primary color will be... red."

MAN 2: "Yes."

MAN 1: "The secondary color will be... also red."

MAN 2: "Done."

MAN 1: "Is there anything else we can do with it? Other than put red on it, twice?"

MAN 2: "No. It's a hat. Besides, we're both color-blind from living in total darkness our whole lives."

MAN 1: "You're right. We've done all we can."

[Light flicks on]

REAL HAT DEVELOPMENT TEAM LEADER: "What the--who the hell are you guys? How did you get in here?!"

[Both men scuttle up the walls and vanish into the air vents]

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Damn mole people, always coming in here and designing our hats..." [Picks up crude drawings of some sort of stupid red-on-red colored hat] "Say, this isn't half bad."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Maybe we make the bill blue. Blue is one of our colors, right?"

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "I don't know. Sometimes."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Yeah, this is exactly what we talked about - rearranging the colors just enough so it's technically a different hat that we can sell for $40. Remind me to leave a bucket of slop in the janitor's closet as a thank-you to those feral vent-dwellers."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: [Writing down a reminder] "...slop... for... mole people. All right. Anything else?"

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Nope. I'd say our work as the Hat Development Team is finished."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Then we should probably dissolve the committee; we gave ourselves way too much power and it's starting to hurt the organization."




ANDY MACPHAIL: [Sticks his head in the conference room] "Hey guys, how's that hat coming along?"

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Still working! I think we've really got something special this year!"

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Can't wait to get one on your head, Mr. MacPhail!"

[MacPhail gives them an excited pair of 'finger guns' and goes on his way]

HAT TEAM LEADER: "You lied."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "So did you."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "I just didn't want to give up all this power."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Me neither."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "And you don't think people will assume this hat was designed by undercity-folk with dulled retinas from centuries of life beneath the sidewalks?"

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Ha ha, of course not."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Then we will continue this charade. The rest of the organization will never understand our work, it's too important."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: [Sits down in chair, throwing feet up on table] "You're right. Now, how much is left on that Wawa gift card they gave us for lunch?"

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Eleven dollars."

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "Nice. We're getting some sides today!"

SINISTER WHISPER FROM THE VENTS ABOVE: "You will regret this betrayal..."

HAT TEAM LEADER: "What did you say?"

HAT TEAM MEMBER: "I said, 'We're getting some sides today!'"

HAT TEAM LEADER: "Damn right we are."