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And now for some more news, this time about the Phillies

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Let’s just heap this on the pile.

MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Arizona Diamondbacks Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Things are tense this week. Let’s assuage some of the anxiety by talking about good stuff and/or freaking out about even the tiniest thing.

Cole Hamels returns to Philadelphia

To play baseball?! No. To donate money to a school. Go ahead, complain about that, someone. [Shatters glass bottle, menaces you with jagged end] Go ahead.

The funding for education in this city seems always to be teetering on head-clutching disaster, and it’s not the first time that Hamels has thrown tens of thousands of dollars in to help out. He doesn’t even play here anymore. Awesome. Awesome.

[I start to relax but see you flinch and raise broken bottle back up]

Gold Gloves

The Phillies won none of them, and yes, they were up for some. Two, in fact; Freddy Galvis and Odubel Herrera. Galvis was beaten out by Brandon Crawford of the Giants and Herrera was defeated by his predecessor in the Phillies Rule 5 pick legacy, Ender Inciarte. Our scholars are racing to determine what level of treachery was used to reach this point and so far they have been able to uncover "presumably, some." It’s a historic day in the subbasement covered in saw dust in which we imprison keep our scholars.

I love everything about this clip from Gold Glove nominee Odubel Herrera; the score in the upper left, the way Tom McCarthy’s voice barely changes, what happens in it. Everything.

Arizona Fall League

Mitch Walding has struck out in 20 of 49 AB (But he is hitting .302). Scott Kingery, the Phillies’ all-star out there, is hitting .233 with a pair of whoop-se-daisies in the field. Aaron Brown has also donated generously to the strikeout total with 19 in 58 AB. Miguel Nunez has a 2.00 ERA in 9.1 IP, but for a while people thought Victor Arano had wandered into the desert to live forever with a pack of coyotes.

There was a coup?

Holy ****, there was a coup? Was it in our subbasement? I warned you all we needed STRONGER LOCKING MECHANISMS ON THE DOORS, those scholars are clever and undoubtedly starved, they’ve snapped a few times during feedings and god knows they must be hungry enough for human flesh. WHY IS THE SUBBASEMENT NOT FILLING WITH KNOCK-OUT GAS WHEN I FLIP THE SWITCH—

Oh.

No word yet on the number of survivors.

Now that this emergency drill has concluded, let’s get a technician in here to take a look at this switch.

Tommy Joseph

He’s hitting .150 in 20 AB in the Dominican and hasn’t been seen at the plate since October 25. We went all in on him being the comeback story of the year and in his epilogue he is being not super effective in games that do not matter. Why is everyone reacting to this like it’s meaningless and there are more important things to worry about???

Oh god it was his wrist, he hurt his wrist

Jeremy Hellickson does not seem like he wants the Phillies’ $17.2 million

The Phillies left a briefcase full of money outside Hellickson’s house and their agents waiting around the corner in a surveillance van are reporting that it is still there. Why does Hellickson not want to play for the Phillies? Does he think he is too good for them? Is Scott Boras in there, making him tea and massaging his shoulders, his serpent tongue flickering with malicious advice?

Well, fine. We didn’t want you here anyway, Jeremy. We can get on just fine without you in the rotation. Even a brief look at the pitching statistics from the previous season may show the exact opposite, but we sat through plenty of innings of poor baseball in 2016. We can do it again, but with even more innings, in 2017! Right everyone?!

[Bricks fly through all of my windows simultaneously]