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Can you be trusted to watch the Phillies' babies?

The first lesson of babysitting for the Phillies: all is not what it seems.

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

On another productive night on the internet, you stumble upon a job ad: "Babysitting Staff Position - Citizens Bank Park," it reads. Requirements include maintaining the general welfare of babies within the Phillies' stadium. Snack time, diaper changes - it's all well beyond your skill set. You sigh and go back to reading long form cryptozoology articles.

Suddenly, you awaken, not recalling ever going to sleep. For what feels like eternity, you attempt to navigate the corridors of a strange, silent structure.

You enter a sterile white room. On the far end, a series of sealed cubes, their back ends connected to the wall, are barely detectable against the backdrop. A woman wearing a Phanatic bobble hat looks up from her desk and smiles.

"Oh, hello! You must be our new caretaker! Welcome, welcome!"

How do you respond?

A. Yes, I am. Thank you.

B. Huh? You must be mistaken, madam.

C. Oh thank god - a human! I have been wandering the catacombs outside this room for eons after awakening in a grotesque chamber, encased in some kind of giant egg!!

You have selected [A]

"My pleasure. I can't tell you how thrilled we are to have you aboard. Your resume was the best we received, and the players are so much more relaxed knowing their children are in good hands during the game."

A. I'm honored and excited to be here.

B. I don't even really remember applying for this job.

C. No. You're one of them, aren't you?! What is this place?! What have you done to me?! How do I know how to open all the doors in this facility?!

You have selected [A].

"Of course you are. This is quite a sought-after position, you know. Not every local caregiver in the Philadelphia region gets to care for the spawn of our city's finest athletes. Anyways, let's get you started. The game will begin in moments, so let's introduce you to some of the babies you'll be monitoring this afternoon."

A. I can't wait to hold those sweet little peanuts in my arms.

B. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to do this.

C. Did you say "afternoon?" So it's daytime? Thank the maker - with that as a starting point, perhaps I will be able to chart the passing of days while you have me imprisoned in this labyrinthine hellscape. And thus begins my escape...

You have selected [A].

The woman hits a button on the wall, and the front portion of each cube slides open with an efficient hiss. Out trundle several oblivious babies, all with relatively pleasant demeanors.

She picks one up and hands it to you.

"For security purposes, we keep each baby anonymous, and you can address them by their assigned numbers. But if you're a real fan, you'll probably be able to guess who the parents are!"

A. I'll bet I can!

B. I don't want to.

C. Madam the only thing I am a "fan" of is my inevitable flight from captivity. Release me!

You have selected [A].

"I'm sure you can, too. After all, the 'attention to detail' listed under the 'skills' section of your resume is what got you this job! Well, I suppose I'll leave you to it. Have fun! I'll be sure to send down game updates."

She exits the room through an entryway you couldn't even see was there.

You share a brief, wordless moment of eye contact with the baby in your arms.

A. Hello.

B. I'd prefer not to make this a personal relationship.

C. Quick, how do we get out of here?!

You have selected [A].

"Hel--" you begin.

"Let me stop you right there," the baby replies.

A. ...

B. ...

C. Okay

You have selected [A].

"Let me guess: Giant egg? Endless catacombs? Somehow ended up in this room? You feel like you have a series of dialogue options in response to this madness, but for some reason keep selecting the ones that don't provide any answers? Almost as if someone else is picking them for you?"

He is quite insightful for a baby.

A. I don't know what you're talking about, this is my dream job.

B. I haven't met a baby in a while but that seems like a lot of words for you to know.

C. Yes, that's exactly what's happening! Help me, nameless youngling!

You have selected [A].

"Dream job," the baby repeats sarcastically, his eyes looking around the empty, colorless room and tiny humans crawling around in it. "Right."

"If you want to get out of here, you must do as I say. But know this: You are not the first of your kind... but you would be the first to see daylight again."

A. No, I want to stay here with you - forever, if possible.

B. How bad can this really be? That lady had a fun hat.

C. I will follow your word implicitly.

You have selected [A].

"I hear your words but sense that the opposite is true," he says. "They have labeled me 'Six.' Let us begin, we have only nine precious innings to complete our task. First--"

He freezes and turns pale as the room seems to rumble. He mutters something almost inaudible.

A. Who wants to play a game?!

B. Is there wi-fi down here?

C. Did you just mumble "...the beast approaches...?"

You have selected [A].

"Forgive me," Six says, ignoring your question. "There are forces at work here to which you have yet to be introduced. And hopefully never will be. Now, first things first, please prevent Two from harming himself."

You look over at the woman's desk, where one of the babies is gently bonking his head and laughing. With each vibration, a desk lamp comes closer and closer to falling.

Rushing over, you shift Six into your other arm while scooping up Two and pushing the lamp back into place with your hip.

"Damn it, Two," Six reprimands. "We all face the mental anguish of our fate here, but we have discussed the lack of productivity in such actions."

"Forgive me, Six," Two responds. "I lost myself when I feared the beast's approach."

Six slaps him sharply across the face.

A. Whoa! Okay, somebody's getting a time-out!

B. How are you able to slap harder than I can?

C. Do you guys need a minute, or...

You have selected [A].

"Fool!" Six shouts, drawing the attention of the others. "We've long known he is drawn to fear! Remember your training!"

Two bows his head in shame. "Put me down," he requests, and you do so.

"Two is a good man," Six informs you. "We all lose our heads from time to time. Now, rifle through the desk until you find a glowing card key covered in hieroglyphics."

A. I have an idea - who wants to hear a story?!

B. You're the boss.

C. How far along have the others who have come before me gotten in this process?

You have selected [A].

Six cringes at the condescending way in which your question is delivered. "You must understand," he says. "This is difficult for me as well. As you are forced to play the part of caretaker with no desire to, I, as well, must deny my own instincts to partake in such things as nap time, or a story. My god, they sound delightful. But no. We must fight these temptations with far more sinister forces in play."

One of the pure, white walls, blinks on, revealing the huge face of the woman in the Phanatic bobble hat.

"The Phillies are losing 8-0," she reports with a smile, then notices you are behind her desk. Her face falls into a blank grimace. "What are you doing."

"Huh," Six says of the wall that apparently doubles as a security monitor. "That's new."

How do you respond to the woman?

A. I was committing a blatant act of betrayal and throw myself at your mercy.

B. This baby tricked me. Let's curse it, together.

C. Me and this crew of sentient babies are getting out of here and there's nothing you can do about it! Though I'm sure that isn't true, now that I've considered it for more than a second.

"Another failure," the woman responds before you can say anything, shaking her head. "Activate sequence-ending protocol."

The screen blinks off.

"It was a good try," Six says. "Enjoy your remaining moments."

A. I have earned this fate.

B. What is about to happen?

C. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh cra

The cubes once more hiss open and the babies obligingly crawl inside.

"Perhaps we'll have more luck with the next one," Two muses.

"You always say that," Six replies.

The doors close an you are alone in the room as it begins to tremble as it did before. Through the wall crashes a furious, saliva' spewing Phanatic, feral from years of captivity in this twisted subterranean purgatory.

You sense danger. Do you:

A. Attempt to quell the bellowing horror

You do not have time to consider the rest of your very few, very poor options as the Phanatic is upon you, disassembling your pathetic human form like wet paper.

You awaken in your quarters, safe and sound, body in one full piece and not smeared on the white walls of a surreal nursery. You sit up rub your eyes, and go immediately to the computer, still open to the Phillies' Job Listings page; only the babysitting gig has been removed.

You think back on all that has happened, reflecting on the mind-shattering trauma you've experienced. Your eye catches another listing.

"Ooh," you say. "'Digital Media Producer' sounds fun."