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I hate you, Stu Bykofsky. Please retire.

OPEN LETTER: To Stu Bykofsky

On the heels of this buffoonery, here we go.

Dear Stu:

Should I write in one sentence paragraphs so you can understand me?

Your writing is lazy, uninspiring, and terrible.

Retire, Stu. Please.

Of our 2008 heroes, only you and Chooch, Carlos Ruiz, remain.

Both of you are slowly sliding into the shadows.

You've gone from the Big Piece to the Big Load.

The big load? That sentence alone is enough for me to want to stick my face in a lawnmower. Not only is the piece in its entirety a complete waste of everyone's time, but you managed to make it cringeworthy. On what planet is a professional athlete's decision to retire or not going to be swayed by some cretin who can't  even convey a single original thought?

Don't do this to us, Ryan. Don't make us hate you. Don't make the Phillies cut you.

Retire at season's end. Please.

Despite what you say, and probably believe, you can't hit lefthanders. You chase low and away pitches with the enthusiasm I chase a cold beer. The difference is, I get the cold one.

YES BECAUSE HITTING A ROUND BALL WITH A ROUND BAT AND BUYING A BEER ARE THE SAME THING. Stu, you might as well call me a 13 year old girl right now because I can't with you.

Do you become a shuffleboard disk banging from team to team, like Steve Carlton, staining your stellar reputation? You want to play in another league, like Allen Iverson when he went to Europe? He needed the money because he was an immature jerk.

Immature jerk? Yea A.I. you big poopy head!

Coach a Little League team, go into broadcasting. If you feel a need to compete, join a softball league or take up golf, just like Michael Jordan did.

Put away the laptop, Stu. Go play chess at the park. Call your grandchildren and tell them how they don't visit enough. Eat pea soup. Do whatever it is people like you do, other than spew garbage in written form.

Don't embarrass yourself. Don't turn yourself into bread crumbs for heartless Philly boobirds.

Please, Ryan, retire.

Will Ryan get booed this year? Almost a certainty. And those booing are the worst of the fan base. Everything Howard has done for this team over the years is enough to leave the decision of what to do with his career up to him, not someone who probably still thinks that WAR isn't a viable statistic because it isn't on the back of a baseball card.

Do us all a favor, Stu. Retire.