:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/49717431/vintage_john_kruk.0.0.png)
Welcome to Phillies Youtube Treasure Trove, where I scour the depths of Youtube to find you the best/weirdest/strangest/etc Phillies videos just for you. Have a suggestion? Leave it in the comments!
This week: Vintage John Kruk
How did the 1993 team get to the World Series? How did they win anything at all? Look at them! How did they not constantly just walk into walls and fall into holes? And how did Lenny Dykstra not choke on that ENORMOUS wad of chew in his cheek? Did he just spray it at people anytime he talked, with small chunks of tobacco and a fine mist of juice coming out of his mouth anytime he tried to communicate?
I'm not sure what this clip is from or why it exists, but it's a 6-plus minute love letter to the weirdness that is John Kruk. It might be related to the 1993 All-Star Game (or perhaps to the Phillies end-of-season video yearbook), because the whole middle section features stars of early 90s baseball, and some special guests, all talking shit about Kruk. There are cameos from:
- Mark Grace, Tony Gwynn, Jay Bell, and Tom Glavine
- Reggie Jackson, looking and sounding like someone bothered him in the middle of a nap
- Andy Van Slyke, indirectly comparing Kruk to Charles Manson
- Skinny Barry Bonds
- Tim "no I'm not booing as I type his name" McCarver
- Ernie Banks, Tommy Lasorda, and Bobby Cox
- Bill Murray, for some reason
- President Bill Clinton, who is often a topic of conversation
That is quite the list of stars! All of their yakking leads to Kruk facing Randy Johnson in the All-Star Game at the end of the clip, and it's absolutely hilarious.
The only other thing I could possibly add to this video is a list of the best quotes from the subject of this little clip, John Kruk.
"These guys are just jealous, especially Lenny. They work out all year and they still can't look like me."
"I'm the only guy who can hit .300 eight months pregnant." [rubs belly]
"It's amazing that fans want to see me play. It's a scary thought, the whole thing, what our society has come to these days."
No, I can't just leave it there, because what is on John Kruk's head? From the back it looks like skirt made of hair that a brillo pad died on top of. It looks like the sad haircuts I'd give to my Barbie dolls. If a sloppy joe sandwich could grow hair, that's what it would look like.