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This sad, dumb hell of ours: Diamondbacks 10, Phillies 2

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Cameron Rupp probably doesn’t have a lot of triples in him. And you guys wasted it.

Arizona Diamondbacks v Philadelphia Phillies Photo by Hunter Martin/Getty Images

Really, it was a night of total bull s***, in and on and around Citizens Bank Park.

So, where to begin? The offense? Adam Morgan? The half naked man on the field for twenty minutes? These are mostly stories you’ve heard before.

Things kicked off with with Arizona’s starter, Robbie Ray, singling in the second; something I SPECIFICALLY WARNED YOU ABOUT IN THE PREVIEW. "I don’t need to read that," you thought. "It’s just another series preview." But it wasn’t. It was a glimpse into the future and you SKIPPED IT. See if I share my powerful gifts as an oracle with you people ever again.

Ray’s RBI single was the third single in a row that inning, all with two outs. Then Cesar Hernandez committed an error, allowing the Diamondbacks to tie the game at two (Cameron Rupp’s RBI triple had given the Phillies a 2-0 lead that no one believed in a thousand years would last). But this was just the first salvo. The D-backs wisely paced themselves, as they - along with everyone else - could see it was going to be a long night of scoring.

And long it was! Yasmany Tomas homered off Morgan in the fourth; Peter O’Brien homered off him in the fifth. Tomas  homered again in the fifth as well. It was 7-2 at this point, and the Snakes slowed their slither a bit. By the seventh, Morgan was gone (long gone - he lasted 4.1 innings, allowing seven runs, four earned, ten hits, and three dingers. Though he did have eight strikeouts, this was yet another discouraging appearance, if your discouragement even had any room to sink lower, which it shouldn’t at this point) but Arizona had gotten bored and started homering again. Wellington Castillo and O’Brien (again) went back-to-back to start the seventh, making it 9-2.

And where was the Phillies offense all this time? Oh, the usual - flailing (Odubel Herrera), failing (Maikel Franco), and K’ing with the bases juiced (Tyler Goeddel). Each night, only a single facet of it tends to function properly, and on this night, that facet was Cameron Rupp, whose triple in the second inning scored two runs and gave the Phillies their only very, very brief lead of the game. Though Cody Asche did hit another double. And this isn’t offense, but Severino Gonzalez, recalled to be shoved out there and devoured by an opposing offense, threw almost two full innings of no-run ball. That was different.

The Diamondbacks tacked on another run while you were sleeping. I think it was Paul Goldschmidt. I think it was another home run. Honestly, we blast the Phillies media team a lot, but I admire how many different ways they have to come up with to say "The Phillies got crushed."

See you at 3:05!