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Strictly Eyewash: Phillies 8, D-Bax 0

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The Phillies demolished the Diamondbacks, on the strength of a season-high six run inning.

Little known fact: This is actually Mike Trout. Peter Bourjos remained in Anaheim.
Little known fact: This is actually Mike Trout. Peter Bourjos remained in Anaheim.
Jennifer Stewart-USA TODAY Sports

Making his first start since coming back from the disabled list yesterday, Vincent Velasquez pitched five shutout innings, scattering five hits, while striking out seven. While he struggled to put away hitters at times, he was also never really in trouble. Good to have you back, Vinny, now please polish up another out pitch.

Arizona's Robbie Ray matched Velasquez until the sixth, when he was tagged for a pair of runs. Odubel Herrera and Peter Bourjos opened with singles, and after a wild pitch, another pair of singles by Maikel Franco and Cameron Rupp scored Herrera and Bourjos.

In the seventh, with the score still 2-0, the Phils opened the hose. Cesar Hernandez led off with a single, followed by a Cody Asche double, scoring Hernandez. Ray was replaced at this point, nominally due to an injury. His replacement, Jake Barrett, promptly gave up three hits and a pair of walks. He did retire two batters, but allowed four more runs to score. One of the walks was the first appearance of relief pitcher Edubray Ramos' professional career (in 116 games across every level, he had yet to record even a single plate appearance--he has yet to record an at-bat). It was hilarious, FWIW.

Josh Collmenter finished off the frame for Arizona.

After Velasquez was done in the sixth, Ramos was the first man off the bench, pitching two solid innings, scattering a walk amongst three strikeouts, in addition to his adventure at the plate. Hector Neris pitched the eighth, and Severino Gonzalez finished off the shutout--the Phillies' league-leading ninth of the year. WTF?

Tommy Joseph struggled tonight--he was 0 for 5 with four strikeouts. After he lined out in his fifth at-bat, Larry Andersen was puzzling over what to call this. Three strikeouts is a hat trick, four is the golden sombrero, what could the fifth be?

LA sets 'em up, Franzke knocks 'em down.

You might be wondering about the title. Matt Gelb attempted to catch a foul ball and also protect his laptop early in the game, and again, LA came to the rescue:

When this game began, it was 108 degrees. Never go to Phoenix.

With the win, the Phils improve to 33-45, while Arizona falls to 36-43. Game two of this series is tomorrow night on Teal Tuesday, as the Phils send Jerad Eickhoff to the hill against Zack Greinke. This game will also be a late night affair, but someone else will be your graveyard shift tour guide, as I will be "on the road again." Pictures to follow, surely.

Have a night, folks.