Goodbye, Jeremy Hellickson: Phillies 4, Marlins 1

It was Jeremy Hellickson’s night as he and the Phillies, who finally rediscovered their offense, beat the Marlins 4-1. Thank god they avoided the sweep.

Hellickson put on a damn show for eight innings at Citizens Bank Park. He allowed five hits, and only one run crossed the plate all night. Eight strikeouts, and no walks. This wasn’t a normal start, it was an audition. Hellickson was performing for the teams who might want to acquire him in the next few weeks. And he did not disappoint.

Yeah, the Phillies scored some runs too. Three of the four came off the bat of Tyler Goeddel, who still shockingly exists. I thought he’d been eaten by a bear or Cody Asche locked him in a storage room at CBP. I thought he’d dropped out of baseball due to lack of use and had decided to become an accountant. Well, no matter what he’s been doing, he came back tonight to bring in three runs and notch two hits. So I guess saying that the Phillies “found” their offense tonight wasn’t quite true. Tyler Goeddel was their offense. They found him by unlocking the closet or just looking in their own damn dugout, where he’s been the whole time, desperately trying not to wave his arms at Pete Mackanin while shouting “Over here, Mack! I’m over here! Can you see me? Am I invisible? Am I a ghost? I’m right here! Put me in, Mack! I can play! Why can’t anyone hear meeeeee???!!!?!?!”

This was a great way for Hellickson to end his short but fruitful career with the Phillies. He was good for us, and now he’ll get us a shiny new player or two. Thank you, Jeremy Hellickson, and enjoy your future on whichever struggling contender offers the best players.