Way to finish strong: Marlins 11, Phillies 1

Coming into today’s game, Marlins pitcher Adam Conley and first baseman Don Kelly were a combined 3-for-their-last-58. Leaving Marlins Park this afternoon, they had gone 4-for-6 with two triples, four RBI, and three runs scored.

So, yeah.

We really lost this one, in front of not only a legion of screaming children attending "summer camp day" in Miami, but commissioner Rob Manfred himself, who likely took time away from his TV interview with the Tom McCarthy and Ben Davis to quietly vomit into a Phillies hat.

It was about to be the largest deficit the Phillies have lost by this season; not since June 16 in a catastrophic 13-2 loss to the Blue Jays have the Phillies suffered such embarrassment - that’s right, a full month a half ago. However, a meaningless, time-wasting, game story-obliterating Cesar Hernandez double with two outs in the ninth made it 11-1, saving the Phillies from such humiliation. Their ten hits on the day were all singles except for the last one, and twice they had the bases loaded with less than two outs, yet produced no runs, grounding out and popping out in lieu of anything resembling an effective offense. Oh, and Hernandez got picked off first. Again.

The Marlins had people moving in their bullpen early on, namely in the third, when Zach Eflin singled, Hernandez bounced a ball off Adeiny Hechevarria at short, and Odubel Herrera bunted safely to load the bases. But Marlins starter Adam Conley wound up not leaving the game until there were two outs in the seventh, striking out six and walking three, because every Phillies "threat" was as hollow and meaningless as life itself.

Larry Bowa could have gotten ejected a hundred times (He was only ejected the one time, but in his defense, home plate umpire Pat Hoberg had the strike zone of a man with a bucket stuck on his head); the Phillies decided early that they would be taking the afternoon off. The middle of the order went 0-for-15, though Tommy Joseph was robbed of extra bases by a leaping Giancarlo Stanton catch. The team went 1-for-8 with RISP. Taylor Featherston started at second. It was just a mess.

Zach Eflin’s increasingly impressive starts came to a blubbering end, surrendering seven runs, nine hits, and four walks in five innings.

Also, Stanton.

The bright spots? Odubel Herrera threw out Christian Yelich at second base. And with a lunatic’s strike zone all afternoon, you know Larry Andersen was feeling fresh as hell. But for the most part, L.A. seemed to focus on the sucking taking place on the field below him, condensing the afternoon into a single, disgusted summation.

"Nobody knows what they’re doing."

—Larry Andersen