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This game blew: Cardinals 9, Phillies 0

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Woof. This was pretty ugly.

MLB: St. Louis Cardinals at Philadelphia Phillies Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

I will start this recap the same way I’ve started many recaps. How much do you really want to know about this game?

Before you answer, think hard. Look at the score. No, don’t look away! Stare at it, let the numbers bore into your brain and settle into your soul. NO DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AWAY.

So, how much do you want to know about this game?

The correct answer is: not very much. It was, SHOCKINGLY, really bad. Vince Velasquez started, and by the fifth inning he’d given up five runs and thrown nearly 100 pitches. Two of those runs were solo homers. Yeah, it wasn’t a good outing for Vinny, and it breaks my heart. Velasquez was replaced in the seventh inning by David Hernandez, who gave up no runs, no hits, and did better than pretty much everyone else in a Phillies uniform today.

After Hernandez came Frank Hermann, who was putrid. Perhaps it was the insistent, driving rain, or perhaps it’s because he’s just not good. He allowed four runs on three hits, including a two-run home run. Sev Gonzalez replaced him before the eighth was over. Gonzalez allowed three hits, but no runs, and the game mercifully ended with three quick outs in the ninth.

Maikel Franco and Odubel Herrera each had two hits today, but as you might guess from the score, they never crossed home plate. There were several points when the Phils had a guy in scoring position only for the inning to end before he could move any farther.

Thank the Lord, the game is over. The best thing we can say about it is that now there’s one less game for the Phillies to play.