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At least the game ended on time: Nationals 3, Phillies 0

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The best thing about this game is that it’s over now.

Philadelphia Phillies v Washington Nationals
I’m not sure why Freddy looks confused here, he should be familiar with not hitting baseballs by now.
Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images

Tonight’s game was interminable.

Yeah, I don’t care if it was a pitchers duel. It was long and bad.

Let me get more specific. Jerad Eickoff was fine. Six innings, five hits, no runs, 80+ pitches. Totally fine. He is our only ace left, and we must love him and save him and protect him and please don’t get hurt, please please Jerad please be okay and fine and oh godddddddd

There was this, though.

The game was tied until the eighth inning, if that tells you anything about how it went. Pitch after pitch, nothing happening. And then Patrick Schuster, one of the dudes auditioning to be a lefty specialist for the Phillies, came into the game.

Do I even have to tell you what happened?

It’s my job to tell you what happened, so here we go. His very first pitch — the very first one! — was so off track that it went wild and evaded Cameron Rupp’s herculean thighs. It didn’t take long for him to serve up a cookie to previous strikeout-getter Bryce Harper. Harper jacked it to the far right field corner for a three-run home run.

That’s all the Nationals would need to defeat the Phillies. They were facing Max Scherzer tonight, so if you were expecting more than this, we need to sit down and have a talk about expectations and what that word really means and why you don’t understand it.

I have two more words for you: Shatrick Pooster.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.