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Curb Stomp Battle: Phillies 6, Pirates 2

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I expected a Pendulum War tonight but got a Curb Stomp Battle instead. Or at least it felt like it.

Remember that month when Domonic Brown was really good?
Remember that month when Domonic Brown was really good?
Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Remember when the Phillies would score 20 runs sometimes? In a single game, not in a month. Well, they haven't lately. So tonight, when they scored 6 runs on the Pirates, it felt like a Curb Stomp Battle to me. And Tommy Joseph's bomb to left at the end definitely felt like There Is No Kill Like Overkill. I don't hate the Pirates, so there's no reason to truly be mean to them, but the Phillies seemed to be feeling it tonight. Perhaps the Phillies, knowing that the bullpen has struggled of late, have finally become Genre Savvy and knew that homering the Pirates to death was The Only Way To Be Sure.

So how did this all go down?

Jake Thompson started for the Phillies tonight. He struck out 3, walked 3, and gave up only 2 runs over 6 innings on the back of 168 double plays. There's a box score and everything. The xFIP does not like the Jake Thompson, and the Thompson, by my eyeballs, appeared to nibble at times. Still, he's a kid who looks like he may be figuring out how to get people out. He has to walk fewer and strike out more if he wants to succeed in the long run, though.

Freddy Galvis was on fire tonight, displaying an arm more powerful than anything I've seen since Megatron's cannon. Maybe Galvis has stolen McCutchen's hair *and* his power. He also rally killed with another homer. *yawn* It was his 19th which, as Tom McCarthy told us, is one fewer than...twenty.

Everybody hits was tonight: Tyler Goeddel had two hits on dribblers through the infield, for God's sake. Maikel Franco had two hits. Aaron Altherr broke the "one hit per game" protocol with, like, three hits or something. Everyone who was a starting position player had a hit.

Appalling.

At the time of recapping, pending 6 more outs, though A.J. Ellis is hitting right now, and I know he's going to make an out for sure so...5 more outs...and there it is as Ellis strikes out looking...the Phillies have 14 hits. That's more than they've had all season, up to and including this game.That sounds unmathematicalish, but if you consider the other dimensions and carry the 1 in base 12, it all makes sense.

Also, Roman Quinn is fast. You may have heard this, but I swear it is true. His double (15 hits!) in the bottom of the eighth was epic. He was on second before he was done swinging. This was followed by a Franco "I swing like Bartolo Colon sometimes almost all the time" at bat that ended the inning that was doubleplusunpretty.

The Pirates started a pitcher I've never heard of. He wasn't very good, which is why I've never heard of him. I've heard of Tyler Cloyd though, so me "hearing of" someone is not necessarily linked to them being good. Actually, Steven Brault wasn't awful - he didn't walk anyone and he struck out 3 over 3.2 innings, but he was hit around. Ok, he wasn't that good, but I'm sure he loves his mother.

I've purposely avoided mentioning the Phillies' relievers used after Thompson exited because if I mention them, they might appear on my sofa next to me and I'll be stuck with them forever, and one of them is Luis Garcia.

*BAMF*

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

That, by the way, explains this last pitching change in the 9th to bring in Jeanmar Gomez. And I have to watch the rest of the game with a large, sweaty Luis Garcia sitting next to me.

Here's your Fangraph. It will tell you if the Phillies win. I'm guessing...yes! Tune in tomorrow for Jerad Eickhoff and Chad Kuhl at 7:05 for the last game of this series. I heard the Phillies will actually pay you to attend at this point, so I am sure something like 30,000 nearly free seats are available.

Someone please take Luis home when you leave.


Source: FanGraphs