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The Phillies Bobblehead Race is Awful

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When you love someone, sometimes you have to bear bad news to them. Because you care.

Pierogi Pete kicking Teddy's ass
Pierogi Pete kicking Teddy's ass
Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

I watched (in person!) last night's delightful 13 inning marathon of futility involving the Phillies and Marlins. There is really only one way to describe that game. It was as if I was watching a scene from a movie where two prisoners are thrown into a cage with a gun with one bullet in it, and told to kill the other in order to be released.

Only someone forgot to put the bullet in the gun.

That's ok -- one of the prisoners could beat the other to death with the gun to win, right? No. It was actually a gun made by a balloon artist.

So they could fight to the death by hand, maybe choking the other to death, or beating their head on the floor?

No. Someone put the prisoners in double-locked cuffs, behind their backs, and all they could do is steamroller each other repeatedly, as though it was an armless naked man fight between Borat and Azamat Bagatov.

It was about that fun.

It was still an entertaining night, though. There were lots of instances of CBP's version of "People of Walmart" played between innings as increasingly stir-crazy and obviously inebriated citizens were displayed acting the fool on the scoreboard screen.

There's a certain pattern to such things, by the way. Say the "Ferris Bueller Twist and Shout" clip is played, and people dance...they always dance kind of normally, and then, when they realize the screen is showing them dance, they begin to dance at about twice the pace and move even more extravagantly. It's like the attention of the screen is a short-term, highly intoxicating stimulant. It's just strange.

In any case, during one of the lulls between innings, as is typical, the scoreboard screen ("Phanavision" I guess) shows a computer generated race between stylized bobbleheads clad in the home, home alternate, and away Phillies uniforms. Last night, the "away" bobblehead (in the grey uniform) prevailed. Woo, woo.

It sucks.

It is not fun. It is not close to being fun. It is not even mildly interesting. It's just lame. Please fix it, Phillies.

Honestly, I'd rather watch more of the "damn, she's drunk" dancing or the mildly female objectifying video of the sort of "probably not over the top but, look at that." Even the "look at our baby that we're waggling around but trying not to shake so much as to give it brain damage" video is kind of fun. When the baby that was eating ice cream last night on the screen turned his head and began to wail, I nearly died. That was great.

"Visitor uniform" winning the bobblehead race? That was just uninspired filler.

Do like many, many, many MLB and MiLB teams do and have a live *something* race. The Nats, though I fucking hate them, have a cool thing with the President's race. Milwaukee's sausage party, or whatever it is, is cool. There's a whole list here. Look at that list and come up with something for next year that doesn't suck.

And, for the love of god, do not make it a Galapagos Gang race. Those things look like stylized vinyl Furries that are here to fuel nightmares of children who get past 11 or so and then begin to realize how disturbing the Gang looks after they've seen some shit on the shadier corners of the internet on their friends' unlocked internet after school.  Ever since I saw one of them humping a fan 30 feet away from me during the On Deck series this year, I've decided that they are probably scarier than clowns. If you could send the Galapagos Gang *back* to the Galapagos Islands, I would be thrilled.

Besides, they also just look kind of cheap and uninspired. Call it Mascot Fatigue Syndrome, perhaps. Or maybe they just pale in comparison to the Phanatic, who is the best mascot in all of sports. Don't dilute that brand with third rate stuff. Seriously.

As to the possible race, if you use reasonably recent famous people or trademarked fictitious ones, there are estates to pay and likenesses to license and copyrights. That's complicated. You could go with Rocky, sure, but he's not a real person and it's overdone. Maybe downmarket could be Frank and the gang from It's Always Sunny.

Historical figures might feel derivative of the President's Race, but Betsy Ross and Ben Franklin and William Penn could all work. Bill Cosby could offer some horrible ways to win, but probably not family friendly ones. Indicted or convicted local politicians being chased by police might be fun, and there's no shortage of classic or current figures.

Foodstuffs seem to be popular in other areas. An option might be to have the local cheesesteak slingers pay to have their brand included in the race and race cheesesteaks, but please include roast pork, too.

Having an LA, Franzke, Stairs, and T-Mac race might be all you need to do, and part of their contracts could be that they have to license their likenesses for it. And they could race in person for a special event each year. Just do not ever, ever let T-Mac win.

Pretty much anything would be better than what there is right now on the bobblehead race front. Fix it.