There’s been a lot of awards and numbers thrown around regarding the Phillies’ sparkling minor league affiliates these days, and we’ve grouped them all here in one place so you can gawk at them without having to open too many tabs.
Everyone; all of the teams
All six Phillies' minor league affiliates will finish the season over .500. First time that has happened since 1953 (nine teams over .500).— Todd Zolecki (@ToddZolecki) September 3, 2016
It’s not that the 1953 Phillies were too bad themselves; why, there was Richie Ashburn and Granny Hamner and Robin Roberts, getting the Phillies to finish at a crisp 83-71. Unfortunately, that was only good for third place. Looking back, experts agree the problem was that the Phillies that year allowed 666 runs exactly, putting the Mark of the Beast on their season and cursing them to eternal damnation. Bad luck, fellas. Maybe next year! With the devil on your side, who knows what evil you can accomplish!
Dylan Cozens, baseball serial killer
All season long, these Reading studs have been at it, cracking wack-a-doodles over the walls of Eastern League stadiums across the region. The pathetic attempts of these facilities to hold them have been utterly shameful, and Cozens and his teammate, Rhy Hoskins, have been stirring rumors that they are going to retire from baseball and serve as the renewable power source the US of A’s been looking for for decades.
Way to go, boys! A grateful nation thanks you.
Seriously, This Freaking Reading Team
What are they putting in the water out there in Reading, PA?!
Well, according to this 2015 water quality report, it’s trace amounts of copper and lead, “due to the corrosion of household plumbing systems.”
Keep chugging those soft, ductile metals, men! They’re clearly what’s giving you the strength to take our team to the championships! And thank you, older residential neighborhoods of the Reading area—the casual seepage of the material used to construct your plumbing is having exactly the effects they were intended to!
Poor Darin Ruf; his single-season home run record of 38 only remained untouched for four years before Cozens got to it. Hoskins ended with 37, tying for second on Reading’s all-time single season HR list with something called “Ryan Howard.”
Phil Klein, Player of the Month Award-Owner
Remember when Phil Klein was called up to make a spot start, and all the internet smart-asses including the one typing this were like “Who?” and all of that hilarity for which we’re all known ensued?
Pictured below, Phil Klein is receiving his International League Pitcher of the Week honors, previously held by teammate Adam Morgan. What you may not have realized was that this week was only one of the four consecutive weeks during which the massive shadow of Phil Klein was cast over the IL.
The man had only a 1.06 ERA and 46 SO in 34 IP with only 4 ER and 4 BB. His last start was a seven-inning, shut-out two-hitter of those precious Red Sox prospects. On August 14, he punched a hole in the Indianapolis Indians with eight innings of no-run ball, allowing just two hits and striking out 11.
“DO YOU KNOW ME NOW?!” Phil Klein shouts through your living room window while you’re just trying to relax. No, he would never do that; because instead of petty vindictiveness, he’d probably be out striking out a whole lineup of shamed hitters.
Your IL Pitcher of the Week, Phil Klein! In his last 2 starts, Klein has struck out 21 batters. Way to go Phil! pic.twitter.com/HxyqVUCiS0— IronPigs (@IronPigs) August 17, 2016
Jake Thompson, Pitcher of the Year Award-Winner
“Jake Thompson is bad,” you probably said not too long ago, throwing your oversized Phillies cap to the ground in frustration.
But did you know that Jake Thompson is actually good?
In 21 starts for the IronPigs of Lehigh, Thompson only allowed more than three earned runs four times. He allowed zero earned runs eight times. His ERA of 2.50 was easily the best among ‘Pig pitchers who made at least ten starts, and he is behind only David Buchanan in innings eaten because of his promotion to the big leagues. He and Buchanan are tied for second on the team in strikeouts with 87 (Ben Lively has 90 despite only joining the team in late May).
All of these very fine stats have gotten Thompson named the International League’s Most Valuable Pitcher. Take that, the Yankees’ New and Improved Farm System That Everyone’s Been Gushing Over for Weeks!
So pick that hat off the ground, you disgusting idiot. No one’s giving up on Jake Thompson now, even if he did struggle after initially joining the big club. Is your life’s narrative threaded together by endless success? Well, you’re reading a baseball blog at 10:30 am on a Sunday morning, so my guess is “.......no.”
Look at this picture of Ben Lively