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Phillies to play Marlins for what is somehow not the last time of 2016

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Welcome to today’s EXPRESS series preview!

Philadelphia Phillies v Miami Marlins Photo by Rob Foldy/Getty Images

The Phillies

They’re bad

The Marlins

Also not great

Heavy Hitters

J.T. Realmuto - Three home runs in the last week.

Christian Yelich - Also three home runs in the last week. Fortunately no one else on the Marlins has hit a home run this week. That puts them at, with an educated guess, six more home runs than the Phillies have had in the last week.

Jeff Francoeur - Somehow has a triple? I think Jeff Francoeur might sleep in a toy box.

A.J. Ellis - No, it turns out that the Phillies have four home runs this week, Ellis has one.

Freddy Galvis, Ryan Howard, Cesar Hernandez - These three combined for Christian Yelich’s home run total for the week. But Hernandez has six walks?

Aaron Altherr - Is 1-for-20 in his last 20 AB with 10 SO. This is the opposite of a “heavy hitter” but I felt it worth mentioning because dear god, it is bad.

Probable Pitchers

Jerad Eickhoff vs. Jake Esch, 1:10 p.m.

Is Eickhoff not shut down for the season yet? That’s awesome.

Jake Esch traveled all the way across the country to lose to the Mets 5-2 in his debut after David Phelps strained his oblique. His last name sounds like a mispronounced letter. “Today I was excited to get up here and join a pennant race," he said at the time. "There's nothing like getting thrown in the fire." The Marlins’ pennant hopes are a lot like a fire, in that they are burning up and everyone is just resigned to quietly watching.

Adam Morgan vs. Jose Urena, 7:10 p.m.

Adam Morgan is pitching well, I don’t know if you’ve heard. He’s fighting to be the last man standing on the pitching staff. All he has to do is survive, which is his specialty.

I don’t know who Urena is. He seems nice.

Jeremy Hellickson vs. Andrew Cashner, 7:10 p.m.

It was Cashner who the Marlins traded for at the deadline in lieu of Hellickson, thinking their playoff hopes would be aided by the acquisition of a solid starting pitcher. They are now 68-69 and four games out of the NL wild-card. Meanwhile, Hellickson has been deemed King of the Phillies, marshaling over the lands of his choosing in the southeast PA region, bending the backs of serfs under his relentless plows. Woe is us, thanks to the Marlins failure to execute a deal. Meanwhile, Cashner has a beard.

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