I am a sick man.... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased, especially after drinking enough tonight to mute the emotions I feel when I look at the war crime that is Marlins Park. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me, except that I am ill enough to have watched this entire game.
Ok, that's a complete lie. I only watched part of this game. But I listened to all of it. Except when I was getting beer.
Maybe I should start over. Except that I am lying when I say that I should start over. I can't start over because I already published this and you've read it, so I can't change it now. Except that I can, and I frequently do. But I was lying just then when I wrote that I frequently change things after I've written them, except for minor edits.
You imagine no doubt, gentlemen, that I want to amuse you. You are mistaken in that. I am by no means such a mirthful person as you imagine, or as you may imagine; however, irritated by all this babble (and I feel that you are irritated) you think fit to ask me who I am--then my answer is, I am a baseball game assessor. I was in the service of SBN that I might have something to eat (and solely for that reason), except that I am an unpaid baseball assessor.
My room is a wretched, horrid one in the outskirts of the town. My servant is an old country-woman, ill-natured from stupidity, and, moreover, there is always a nasty smell about her. Or maybe that's my dog.
But what can a decent man speak of with most pleasure?
Answer: Of himself.
So I will talk about myself and backhoes. Except I already did that yesterday. So I was lying when I wrote that I will write about myself so I will write about the Phillies game but I probably will lie about the game instead of reporting on it accurately because none of you actually watched it, so I can get away with making it up.
I will tell you that the Phillies and Marlins played a baseball game tonight. They did. I saw it on the TV. Maybe you say you did, too, but then you would be lying.
I saw Adam Morgan pitch for the Phillies against Jose Urena for the Marlins. You know I'm lying because nobody is named Jose Urena. And Morgan went six innings, giving up 1 run on five hits with no walks and five strikeouts. That can't be true, either.
I saw Giancarlo Stanton hit for the Marlins, except that you know that he's out for the year, so he couldn't have hit or launched a single during a pinch hit appearance tonight. So I must be lying again.
Odubel Herrera walked tonight. He had two hits, one of which was a triple. He reached by being hit by a pitch. He made a great running catch in right center. You read that right -- he walked.
You're so gullible.
Herrera did hit into a double play, though.
I swear on my Koy Detmer jersey. Yes, I have a Koy Detmer jersey. Ok, that's a lie. My son has a Koy Detmer jersey. He has a Papelbon jersey. I have a Tommy Maddox jersey. Well, three of these four things are true.
Freddy Galvis hit like a good batter from the five hole, protecting clean up hitter Tommy Joseph. He had two RsBI.
You'll probably believe be when I tell you that Peter Bourjos threw out a runner at third from right field on a ball that bounced 4,000 times before Maikel Franco grabbed it and tug the runner out.
Itchy Rho hit a no-doubter two run jack off Hector Neris in the eighth inning tonight to cut the Phillies' lead to 4 - 3. I'm not making that up. The ill-natured woman who lives with me did. Or dog. Or whatever she is.
Jeanmar Gomez came in to close it out. He walked a man with one out and induced a grounder to Franco who threw it like Ryan Howard into right field. That's a lie. Howard always throws it into left field. With men on first and second, Itchy Rho came to the plate again, but Aaron Altherr, shaded toward the left field line, caught Rho's flyball there for the second out. Dee Gordon came to the plate and he homered. Actually, Gomez struck him out to end it. Swinging. Or looking. Or maybe not at all.
Most importantly, the Phillies won their second in a row. And tomorrow, I'll go in a slightly different direction and write about turning into an insect instead of writing about the baseball game. Someone else will write the recap, though, because I don't work on Hellickson nights.
Fyodor's Fyillies Fyangraph: