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This Phillies opening day video montage will make you weep

I’m not kidding. Watch this at your own risk.

World Series: Tampa Bay Rays v Philadelphia Phillies, Game 5 Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

I don’t live in Philadelphia, or the Philadelphia area, so I don’t get CSNPhilly. And that means I wasn’t able to watch the opening day video montage CSNPhilly put together to celebrate the Phillies starting their season.

Well, "celebrate" may be too strong of a word. Because their montage is about the past. You know what kind of past. The kind that makes us yearn for the future.


I mean, good Lord. That is one emotionally manipulative video. Let’s start from the beginning here. (But first, let’s thank excellent gentleman and scholar John Barchard for capturing and posting that clip for all of us to enjoy. Thanks, John!) It opens with the legendary clip, the one that we all have stored in our brains in case we need a pick-me-up, the last out of the 2008 World Series. There’s Brad and Shane and Ryan and Chase and Chooch and Jimmy and Harry and the whole gang. If you needed a reminder that it actually happened, there it is.

And then Tom McCarthy starts talking. He says:

"Some memories will never be forgotten. But the pieces that contributed, delivered, and punctuated the celebrations are removed from the puzzle at one point or another."

That should be your first warning that this is going to tear you apart.

They show Pat Burrell at the World Series parade, and then they remove him from the image. Like he was never there!

The space next to the guy in green is where Pat Burrell should be.

"All parades come to an end" is what Tom McCarthy says, and you know what, Tom? Maybe now’s not the time, since you’re removing the celebrated stars of the recent past from these indelible images.

Next up is Brad Lidge, who’s in the position we remember best: kneeling on the field after that final strikeout, arms raised to the heavens. He was all of us in that moment.

Brad Lidge is fading from this iconic 2008 World Series image, because CSNPhilly is trying to kill me.

Only he’s suddenly not, because CSNPhilly ghosted him out of the picture! Stop that!

It’s only gonna get worse. Cole Hamels is holding his World Series MVP trophy, beaming in his WS Champion t-shirt and hat. AND THEN HE GETS BLURRY, FADES, AND IS GONE FOREVER.

Carlos Ruiz is running out to greet Lidge after the final Game 5 strikeout, they freeze the video, and POOF. He was never there, his ecstatic, smiling face but a memory in our rapidly angering minds.

They show a brief clip of Chase Utley’s legendary fake-throw from Game 5 before they transition to him crossing home plate and showing some conquering emotion. And then he’s gone again, and is this really happening or is it an acid flashback? Because it’s starting to feel like an acid flashback.

Now it’s Jimmy Rollins’ turn to disappear. They show the hit that made him the franchise leader, and show Mike Schmidt raising Jimmy’s fist in the air while Jimmy smiles beatifically.

Mike Schmidt isn’t holding up the hand of his imaginary friend, they’ve just removed Jimmy Rollins from this image.

Until suddenly he’s not, and Schmidt is holding nothing up in the air. Nothing but our shattered dreams.

And finally Ryan Howard. He hits a home run, and they slow down his run up the first base line. Ryan points at the dugout as he runs, they freeze the frame, and he’s gone.

CSNPhilly decided to have Tom McCarthy narrate a snuff film about the stars of the 2008 World Series. That’s what this is.

"The names you cherish have moved on. But the memories and future are still with us."

Like that makes it all better. I want to dig on that sentence, because there’s no reason to cram the future in there next to the memories of the Phillies stars of the recent past. But there could be more to that opening montage on CSNPhilly that John didn’t capture, and therefore I didn’t see it.

Release the whole video, CSNPhilly. I’m going to pray that you showed clips of the stars of the future next, because that would somewhat exonerate you. But until you release the whole clip, you’re on notice. I have a pile tear-soaked tissues that you caused, and the next time I’m in Philly I’ll be dropping all of them on your doorstep. LOOK UPON WHAT YOUR EVIL HAS WROUGHT!