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Let’s use this time more productively: Rockies 8, Phillies 2

The Phillies lost by a bunch of runs tonight. Let’s use this time we usually spend recapping to bolster our intelligence.

MLB: Colorado Rockies at Philadelphia Phillies
“I don’t know maybe throw like a cat at him instead.”
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The present is but a blink of existence, buried almost instantaneously by the endless pouring of events simultaneous and subsequent. No one will recall tonight’s unwatchable 8-2 Phillies loss to the Rockies in even a week, so instead of re-living only the events of this evening, let’s take this opportunity to educate ourselves with the history that has already occurred on this date so that tonight is not yet another waste of that unrenewable resource we call “time.”

  • DID YOU KNOW THAT On this day in 1934, outlaws Bonnie and Clyde were gunned down in a hail of bullets by police on a country road in Louisiana? The Rockies scored their first two runs in the third on a Charlie Blackmon home run.
  • HOW ABOUT THAT? Interesting stuff, right? And try this one on for size: On May 23, 1701, Captain William Kidd was hanged for the crimes of piracy and murder. The Phillies tried to “hang” onto this game by scoring in the bottom of the third when Rockies starter German Marquez walked in a run. That’s right, on a night when the opposing pitcher was walking in runs, the Phillies “choked” repeatedly at the plate and couldn’t only score twice! And that same pitcher struck them out six times! But if you’ve been watching this team lately, that won’t be “noose” to you!
  • AND GET THIS, GANG: The largest marble structure in the world was dedicated on May 23, 1911. You may be familiar with it: It’s a little building called the New York Public Library! The Rockies certainly didn’t stay quiet in the fourth inning when Zach Eflin surrendered the bulk of his eight earned runs on the evening. They were circling the bases on a pair of RBI singles, a fielder’s choice, and a second Charlie Blackmon dinger!
  • YOU’RE FIRED! Is what a congressman might have said to the M-16 assault rifle on May 23, 1967, when he declared the weapon “defective” after reading a letter from a Marine who said a lot of the deaths in the Vietnam conflict were caused by the weapon jamming. Another jammed weapon? Maikel Franco! This guy just can’t figure out hitting, and was dropped from the lineup entirely! But with the Phillies offense failing to score a second run until the bottom of the ninth, already facing a seven-run deficit, Maikel might not be their only offensive issue!
  • OUCH, THAT HAD TO HURT! On this date in 2004, President and renown mountain biking expert George W. Bush crashed while out for a ride on his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Following his scooter crash in 2003, maybe the secret service should have been keeping a closer eye on him! I hope no one was trying to keep a close eye on the pitch Zach Eflin threw Gerardo Parra in the sixth! Parra deposited it into the right center field seats to make it 8-1! At this point, Eflin had already given up seven earned runs and eight hits and two walks and two home runs, making you wonder: Just what the heck was he still doing out there?! And the answer is of course that Pete Mackanin couldn’t just take part in that Phillies tradition of going to the bullpen in the fourth inning because his bullpen was tired and still not very good.
  • A STAR IS BORN! Joan Collins was born in London on May 23, 1933, giving us an actress who would appear on the prime time soap opera Dynasty for eight years. Tonight’s star of the game? Probably German Marquez, who the Phillies knocked around for seven hits, but somehow only scored a single run! They were 0-for-7 with RISP and left nine runners on base. Nine! That’s one more than the number of seasons Dynasty ran!
  • GIMME SHELTER?! I know there’s some fans of the rock and the roll out there, and they’ll dig this: On May 23, 1979, Tom Petty declared bankruptcy to get out of his contract with Shelter Records. Chad Qualls declared himself an actual pitcher by closing things out for the Rockies. Petty referred to himself as feeling like he had been “bought and sold like a piece of meat” prior to his decision, whereas Qualls’ status largely as a piece of meat while a Phillies pitcher was called into question following his success on this night. I am emotionally bankrupt.