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Giants 10, And The Other Team Didn’t Really Show Up

It was the Phillies, of course, and they scored zero runs because they’re bad.

President Obama Changing Mt. McKinley Name Back To Denali
Denali has absolutely nothing to do with the Phillies or baseball or this shitty game or even the theme of this recap but I don’t care because I’ve always wanted to search the wire service for photos like this and here we are. You’re welcome.
Photo by Lance King/Getty Images

There’s not going to be any sugar-coating here tonight. Shit’s bad.

The Giants came in to Philly similarly last in their division, and scheduled a start by a guy whose ERA on the road was about 50. So of course the Phillies were shut out.

Things started off bad. Denard Span got five hits.

They got worse. Ty Blach, the Giants’ pitcher, drew three walks, while issuing none. The last time this happened was in 1774.

They got more worse. Phils’ starter Jerad Eickhoff didn’t make it out of the third inning, allowing five runs on six hits and five walks. He threw 72 pitches and faced 22 batters.

Somehow they got morer worserer still. A succession of trips to the mound led to everyone’s favorite baseball mini-game: Bullpen Roulette. It’s like Russian Roulette, except instead of shooting yourself, you load ineffective relievers into a giant revolver and fire them into the sun until the game ends and you lose. You always lose.

The Phils combined to allow 15 hits, 10 walks, and somehow struck out 11, which is probably a typo. Meanwhile, Ty Blach is probably going to win the Medal of Honor or something.

With the loss, the Philli—oh fuck it.

They're bad. They're bad and every other team is good by comparison and it sucks and I hate it. It’s made all the worse by the seemingly false hope they gave us in April. Maybe there’s a way to find enjoyment in the badness that’s going on right now, and I’m giving it my best shot. Is it working? Surely it must be working a little?

No it is not, and stop calling me Shirley.

OK, maybe it’s working a little. But I’m still pissed.