There’s not going to be any sugar-coating here tonight. Shit’s bad.
Things started off bad. Denard Span got five hits.
They got worse. Ty Blach, the Giants’ pitcher, drew three walks, while issuing none. The last time this happened was in 1774.
They got more worse. Phils’ starter Jerad Eickhoff didn’t make it out of the third inning, allowing five runs on six hits and five walks. He threw 72 pitches and faced 22 batters.
Somehow they got morer worserer still. A succession of trips to the mound led to everyone’s favorite baseball mini-game: Bullpen Roulette. It’s like Russian Roulette, except instead of shooting yourself, you load ineffective relievers into a giant revolver and fire them into the sun until the game ends and you lose. You always lose.
The Phils combined to allow 15 hits, 10 walks, and somehow struck out 11, which is probably a typo. Meanwhile, Ty Blach is probably going to win the Medal of Honor or something.
With the loss, the Philli—oh fuck it.
They're bad. They're bad and every other team is good by comparison and it sucks and I hate it. It’s made all the worse by the seemingly false hope they gave us in April. Maybe there’s a way to find enjoyment in the badness that’s going on right now, and I’m giving it my best shot. Is it working? Surely it must be working a little?
No it is not, and stop calling me Shirley.
OK, maybe it’s working a little. But I’m still pissed.