Years ago, the National League dugout at the All-Star Game was full of Phillies. Five players - including starters Chase Utley and Raul Ibanez, as well as back-ups Ryan Howard, Jayson Werth, and Shane Victorino - and five coaches - including Pete Mackanin - clogged every shot. Charlie Manuel was in charge, and led his hyper-talented squad to a brilliant 4-3 loss.
Flash forward to this season, and the Phillies’ single representative is a veteran reliever who has been on the team for seven months and probably doesn’t plan to be on it much longer. But nevertheless, he’s our boy out there, and this city is alive with enthusiasm for his potential appearance out of the bullpen in Miami to face, in all likelihood, a single batter.
So time is not on the side of those trying to celebrate our hero’s glory. This calls for the drinking game associated with his all-star appearance to revolve around a strong choice, as we may not get many drinks. Get cozy with something double, triple, or imperial to really make the best of this.
These instructions exist solely for those with the constitution to handle them and can be customized to fit your own preferences/abilities, as long as you promise to stay home or get home safely without putting anyone in danger. Pat needs you. Hell, I need you. There. I’ve said it.
SIP: A casual brushing of the lips on the bottle’s mouth. Did a drink even occur? Who knows. Let’s wait for the next sip and see if we feel something. The local set may see also: “Sips, Center City.”
DRINK: Aah, the old throat-clearer. Do what you’d do if you were pairing this frosty cold one with its ideal culinary mate, and not a baseball game in which you’re mostly invested in a single player’s ninety-second appearance.
GUZZLE: A prolonged chug after a long day. The “workman’s sip” they call it. The passing of several gulps help us release that stress valve after a long day, or after six or seven Neshek-less innings.
PROLONGED DRINK WHILE GLARING/EYE ROLLING: Something has irritated us in mid-indulgence of our adult beverage, but no matter. There are other ways to express irritation outside of verbally.
FINISH BEER, OPEN ANOTHER: All promises and guarantees are off. Let’s rip the lid off and go for two. Life is short and Neshek’s ASG appearance is, presumably, even shorter.
THE PAT NESHEK ALL-STAR APPEARANCE DRINKING GAME
Tips cap (SIP)
World Baseball Classic is mentioned (DRINK)
The phrase “veteran arm” or “trade chip” is used (GUZZLE)
Matt Klentak is mentioned by name (DRINK)
Phillies’ “disappointing season” is mentioned (GUZZLE)
Inherits runners upon entering game (SIP)
Throws more than one pitch (DRINK)
Gives up a hit (DRINK)
Gives up a hit to Jose Altuve (DRINK)
Gives up a run (DRINK)
Commentary is made on his delivery (DRINK)
ERA described as “under or below 1.00” (DRINK)
Throws more than three pitches (PROLONGED DRINK WHILE GLARING/EYE ROLLING)
Gives up a hit to Justin Smoak (PROLONGED DRINK WHILE GLARING/EYE ROLLING)
Footage from the World Baseball Classic is shown (PROLONGED DRINK WHILE GLARING/EYE ROLLING)
Faces more than one batter (GUZZLE)
Footage of him bringing out eagle statue in celebration of winning WBC is shown (GUZZLE)
Is interviewed by TV booth (GUZZLE)
Gives up a home run to Aaron Judge (PROLONGED DRINK WHILE GLARING/EYE ROLLING)
Departs with runners on base (FINISH BEER, OPEN ANOTHER)
Surrenders the lead (FINISH BEER, OPEN ANOTHER)
Gives up a home run to Aaron Judge that goes over 450 feet (FINISH BEER, OPEN ANOTHER)
Does not appear in game (EMPTY REFRIGERATOR)
My god, we’ve made it. Let the joyous sounds of ESPN’s exit music play out as Neshek leaves the field in celebration/disgust. Surely this high point of the season/our lives will stay with us for some time.
Depending on the state of the game, maybe it’s worth staying up and watching Mike Trout’s (RIP) statistics finally reach the east coast. Or, maybe it’s time to crawl into bed, depending on how that went.