Dinger City: Phillies 10, Braves 3

Of all the games for me to be stranded in a hotel with craptastic wifi, it was this one. It was this game, which was apparently played in DINGER CITY, GOOD LORD. The Phillies absolutely unloaded on Julio Teheran and the Braves tonight, beating them into the ground with a score of 10-3.

Let’s start with Jake Thompson, who had to make a sudden start when the Phillies scratched Jeremy Hellickson due to ongoing trade talks and a wet field. And he did fantastically, going five innings and giving up five hits and no runs. And five strikeouts on top of it. For a guy who didn’t know he was starting until a short time before the game, he did pretty well. Thompson was followed by Hoby Milner, who gave up two runs in two innings, and then Adam Morgan, who loaded the bases in the eighth and gave up a run. Joaquin Benoit came in after that, but we’ll get to that in just a moment.

Because first we have DINGERS, GLORIOUS DINGERS. How many, you ask? I’m so happy to tell you.

Wheeeeeeeee!!!!! Let’s look at some video from the seven-run fifth inning. First up we’ve got Aaron Altherr, who hit a solo shot that essentially went to the ever loving moon.

HOLY EFFING CRAP WAS THAT FAR. THAT WENT TO THE SECOND DECK AND THE OUTFIELDERS KNEW IT WAS GONE SO HARD THAT THEY DIDN’T EVEN MOVE. Excuse me, I need to watch that at least a hundred more times before I can go on.

Next up, Cameron Rupp hit a solo shot, and yet again there’s no video of it on Twitter. I’m starting to think there’s a conspiracy here. A boring, meaningless conspiracy.

After that, we took a quick detour from Dinger City when Ty Kelly walked and Freddy Galvis tripled and then scored on the error. At that point, the score was 5-0. (By the way, I should mention the first run of the game, which was also scored by Galvis. He singled, stole second, stole third, and then scored on an error. I love him.)

So the inning wasn’t over but the bases were clear, so Nick Williams was all alone when he took first after being hit by a pitch. Odubel Herrera singled, and then Tommy Joseph knocked a three-run dinger that put the Phillies up 8-0. Want to see it? That’s a trick question, because the answer is definitely yes.

GIVE ME ALL THE DINGERS, GIVE THEM TO ME NOW.

In the eighth inning, it all almost fell apart. As I mentioned above, Adam Morgan gave up a run to make the score 8-3, and loaded the bases. And then Joaquin Benoit came in. Yes, Joaquin “No lead is safe” Benoit. I watched Gameday through the fingers of the hands covering my eyes, because when I think about Benoit, I don’t think “dependable reliever.” The bases were loaded and a home run would have brought the Braves within one. But Benoit got out of it. He got Ender Inciarte to fly out, and the inning was over.

And then in the bottom of the eighth, Altherr hit his second home run of the game, and opposite shot that put the Phillies up 9-3. Freddy Galvis followed with an RBI single, and the score was pretty much settled: 10-3, a righteous drubbing. Well... it wasn’t exactly a single.

You won’t hear me complain about hometown scoring, as long as the Phillies are home.

You might think the wonders of this game were over, but they weren’t! Aaron Altherr sealed the second out of the ninth inning with a diving catch, and Joaquin Benoit finished it out with three straight swinging strikes.

I didn’t watch a second of this game, but knowing it happened is enough for me. For tonight, I won’t worry about the Phillies slightly losing their hold on the first overall draft pick. Because the Phillies played a game in Dinger City, and when you win a game in Dinger City, all your worries are gone.