Phillies have absolutely no All-Star snubs, according to everyone

Everybody loves Robinson Cano, Logan Morrison, Xander Bogaerts, and Anthony Rendon, but nobody has any love for the Phillies roster when it comes to All-Star snubs, apparently. Not Jon Heyman. Not another guy at Fan Rag. Not ESPN. Not CBS Sports. Not USA Today. But don’t click any of them, there’s all those autoplay videos.

It’s almost as though the Phillies are a bad team having a worse season than anyone could have imagined, and there will be a citywide celebration if they reach 30 wins before the All-Star Game. Just kidding, TVs will stay on Sixers Summer League games and everyone will forget all of this ever happened.

So what am I doing, complaining? No. The Phillies offense, rotation, and bullpen have given no non-Neshek names to lob out there; no ledge on which to stand while debating the worthiness of the team’s players to be considered among the sport’s elite. Instead, since absolutely zero members of the media wanted to even nod in the Phillies direction out of even just pity or disgust, somebody has to put on a show of pretending that even one or two of these guys was deserving of the honor. Even though, clearly, none of them were.

And so, here are your arguments for 2017 Phillies All-Star snubs. Sorry in advance for shouting.

ODUBEL HERRERA

WHY COULDN’T YOU EVEN FIND A PLACE FOR THIS GUY IN THE BAT FLIP DERBY? AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S NOT A THING. I KNOW IT IS, I HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT.

No I will not “take a second to compose myself.” Besides, talking about Odubel’s bat flips are beyond cliche at this point. There’s so much more to him: Base running mistakes, blown stop signs, brain farts, STOP SAYING THOSE ARE ALL BAD THINGS, HE’S FINE, THIS IS ALL FINE.

FREDDY GALVIS

Oh, so, I guess defense just doesn’t factor into All-Star decisions anymore? I guess we just discount half of what the entire sport is? That must be the case, or there would be some sort of better explanation for the man who can do this being left off a list of the league’s best players:

Is this all because he’s 12th in BA and 11th in OPS among National League shortstops? As if there is a double digit amount of guys playing the same position who are having a better year at the plate? On that same list, he’s fourth in doubles (17), in a three-way tie for third in triples (4), and a four-way tie for home runs (8)! I HAVE OFFICIALLY TALKED MYSELF INTO THIS. EVERYONE SHUT UP AND DON’T EVER WATCH BASEBALL AGAIN BECAUSE OF YOUR IGNORANCE.

NICK WILLIAMS

He has six hits in seven games! IN HIS CAREER! Has anyone ever done this? On earth? A 23-year-old is making GLOBAL HISTORY and you’re all just SITTING THERE giving TONGUE BATHS to Andrelton Simmons! AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!

MAIKEL FRANCO

Franco has yet to be caught stealing in 2017. No other NL third baseman who has appeared in at least 80 games this season can boast that. Also? His OPS is .666 as of this writing. Do not honor this young man at your own peril, soon-to-be-damned All-Star Game balloters.

CAMERON RUPP

Oh, oh, oh, oh - okay. So baseball nerds, in all of their vast wisdom, haven’t found a way to quantify niceness? These pasty men sweating in windowless rooms, pounding calculations into what I assume are basement-sized computing machines, are just disregarding off-the-field children’s storybook readings? What are we even doing here, guys?

HOWIE KENDRICK

Unless I’m reading the chart wrong, Kendrick has the highest BA - .349 - among National League outfielders with at least 120 AB this season. I guess Bryce Harper’s 1.031 OPS is impressing people for some reason. Kendrick is also taking, on average, 4.4 pitches per at-bat. Who in this league has that kind of patience? Harper? No. Case closed.

ANDREW KNAPP

Only two of these guys even get on base with some regularity, and one of them has a hole in his oblique or something and hasn’t been seen in weeks, so that leaves the “back-up” catcher, who walked three times in a game the other night. This time, I’m sure what I’m describing has never happened before. Did you know that there are blog posts asking why Knapp isn’t the lead-off hitter in this lineup? Blog posts.

TY KELLY

Seriously? Ty Kelly just hit his first home run of 2017, something he hadn’t done in over a year. You’re all going to look like real idiots for not getting in on Ty Kelly at the ground floor.

AARON ALTHERR

LOOK HOW HANDSOME THIS YOUNG MAN IS. HE LOOKS SO CONCERNED ABOUT HOW BAD OF A BASEBALL TEAM HE’S ON. WHO WILL HELP HIM? YOU, JON HEYMAN? YOU, BUSTER OLNEY? STOP PRETENDING TO LOOK AT YOUR PHONE! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

TOMMY JOSEPH

This definitely not-54-year-old man is treasured so highly by the Phillies brass, they won’t even move him to make room for the stud first baseman playing one level below him, who keeps hitting home runs at a shock pace while the Phillies remain starved for offense. So by that logic alone, clearly Joseph has a secret well of skill that the Phillies know about and that he has yet to tap into. But when he does, ho boy, you all better look out. Because every time he grounds into a double play, that well gets a little deeper.

CLAY BUCCHOLZ

It is July and the veteran arm in the rotation has only allowed ten earned runs and three walks. What are you guys seeing that I’m not?

DANIEL NAVA

Daniel Nava should probably actually be an All-Star. Is there like a Bench Player All-Star Game being played on a smaller field somewhere in the shadow of Marlins Park? Why not?