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Make it stop: Cubs 17, Phillies 2

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Even Rhys Hoskins couldn’t make this game better.

MLB: Chicago Cubs at Philadelphia Phillies John Geliebter-USA TODAY Sports

I couldn’t find a way to make this headline about Rhys Hoskins. That should tell you something about the game.

It was bad.

Hoskins hit his history-making 10th home run, and that was pretty much the only good thing that happened tonight. Here, give it a watch before you have to read about everything else.

I hope you enjoyed that, because now I have to talk about the rest of the game.

Phillies pitching was atrocious. Top to bottom, back to front. I could use more words, like vomitous, revolting, cringe-inducing, you get the picture. But it was bad. Ben Lively, who had been so good at avoiding home runs, regressed HARD tonight. He gave up four homers, and a total of six runs on five hits. He somehow struck out eight, though, so at least there’s that?

Lively was replaced after five innings with Drew Anderson, making his MLB debut. And it was all downhill from there. He went 1 1/3 innings, and gave up five runs on four hits. But hey, he didn’t give up any home runs! Neither did Jesen Therrien, who gave up two runs on three hits. Yacksel Rios, who closed out the game, gave up four runs on two homers.

It was a nightmare.

There were other dudes and they tried to hit baseballs and score runs, but it didn’t work. Hoskins’ two-run dinger in the first was the only offense of the night.

You know what? Let’s celebrate a Philadelphia team that has actually won a championship recently. Are you confused? I don’t blame you. But I’m not lying. There is a Philadelphia sports team that has won a championship recently. Very recently. Like an hour ago recently.

Those tweets certainly took a turn at the end there. Uh, I mean, CONGRATULATIONS, PHILADELPHIA SOUL!!!

On the bright side, this game is over now. And look at it this way: the Phillies are one game closer to winning another championship. We just don’t know how many more games are between us and it. Hopefully not all of them are as bad as this one was.