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Ender’s Game: Braves 9, Phillies 1

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This was not a good game.

MLB: Atlanta Braves at Philadelphia Phillies Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies’ 9-1 loss to the Braves had only a handful of things happen that you really want to know about.

ITEM THE FIRST: Jerad Eickhoff, who didn’t throw a pitch above 88 all afternoon, left the game after two innings. He threw a handful of pitches in the third before the trainer finally came out to look at him. He hadn’t looked right at any point, and the Phillies were down 4-0 by the time he left and 6-0 once his line was wrapped up. Only Yacksel Rios, in his third inning of work, was able to throw a 1-2-3 frame today, and that was in the eighth inning.

ITEM THE SECOND: Rhys Hoskins didn’t hit a home run, but he did extend his hitting streak.

ITEM THE THIRD: Ender Inciarte of the Braves absolutely raked today. Oh, and he was also on the Phillies for a hot second. Yuppppppp.

ITEM THE FOURTH: I lost my mind. I started the game by putting together a list of offseason post ideas, and as the game went on, things took a bit of a turn.

If you truly want to know more about the ins and outs of today’s game, get thee to MLB.com. And seek help, please. I watched this game so you didn’t have to. And I’m stopping the recap here to prevent you from enduring more pain. Go! Leave! Be free and pretend this game never happened!

Oh wait, there’s another game today? DAMMIT.