Welcome to your 2018 Phillies holiday gift guide

If you didn’t spend enough money on this team during the season and want to throw more at them, then here are a few of the most ridiculous options that the Phillies are selling for the holiday season down at the Majestic Clubhouse store.

Everyone needs this suit. You reading this? You need this. Yes, I understand they sell this year-round, but they added a Santa hat to it and that makes it festive. Also the new rule I’m instigating for the ballpark next season is that if you’re a business person who comes right from the office to the stadium, your suit that you’re wearing must be this suit.

Phillies Suit: $119.99

Do you want to send cards to your family and friends that say your life still revolves around this team? If you do, then the important people in your life probably are already aware of that fact.

Note: Joy specifically relating to the Phillies not included, presumably

“Joy:” $9.99

Phillies candy canes! They’re plastic and not for eating, so I’m not entirely sure what the point is, honestly. Pick the six best spots on your tree for these bad boys.

Six (6) Phillies Candy Canes: $18.52 (that’s genuinely what the price tag said)

An ornament featuring a bullpen cart which we don’t have! Perhaps it’s a miniature rendering of something we’ll see in the future? Would the Phanatic also drive this? You’d think they’d just let the relievers ride on the back of the ATV he already has, but I am always in favor of more ridiculous on-field antics.

Imaginary Bullpen Golf Cart: $14.99

Do you want a generic ornament that someone stuck a Phillies logo on? Thankfully, you’ve got a ton of options. They’re all awful and I love them and someone needs to stop me from buying the star because I still don’t have one on top of my tree.

Various Phillies ornaments: You don’t want these. I’m not telling you how much they are.

I’m so angry about this. It’s just the trademarked Phillies logo inside a snow globe. Why? WHY?? It’s not even the ballpark? Or the Phanatic?

Snow globe: $24.99

The ugly Christmas sweater trend doesn’t seem to be going away but it does seem to be getting lazier. Also these are sweatshirts, not sweaters.

Lazy sweater: $60

Now this is an ugly sweater. They do seem to sell these year-round though. Doesn’t count. I’d still wear it.

Ugly sweater: $50

You know it! You love it! It’s the dirt from the ballpark!

Players spit on this dirt, the Phanatic has kissed it, and now you can hang it on your tree!

Why? Great question. But this one isn’t from the Majestic Clubhouse store but instead the “Authentics” section of the Phillies merchandise (that’s how you know it’s real dirt) and limited as the tweet says so uhh act fast, I guess.

Ballpark dirt: Price unknown

Possibly the most important item available down at the ballpark this season are these scoreboard ornaments. They’re signed by our own manager, Gabe Kapler, who— like thousands of others— lost his home in the California wildfires. All the proceeds from the sales of these ornaments go towards the Wildfire Relief Fund. Cute ornament, great cause, 10/10.

Scoreboard ornament: $11.99