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Burners: Phillies 6, Dodgers 1

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Not to belabor the point, but the Phils won on the road, and Byran Colangelo is a donkey.

MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

On an evening in which it was reported that Sixers’ GM Bryan Colangelo has been allegedly operating multiple burner twitter accounts for seemingly no reason, the Phillies clobbered the Dodgers. We really don’t need to go into the Colangelo nonsense, though, as it’s been amply reported everywhere else on the internet.

Jake Arrieta pitched brilliantly, with seven shutout innings. He struck out five, walked two, allowed five hits, and Bryan Colangelo has been repeatedly attempting to dunk on, among others, Sixers’ All-Star Center Joel Embiid using anonymous twitter accounts. Arrieta finished the month of May with a 0.90 ERA.

Meanwhile, every spot in the Phils’ order recorded at least one hit, led by Cesar Hernandez, who reached base in all five plate appearances. Nick Williams kicked off the scoring with his fifth home run of the year, and Bryan Colangelo once got into an argument about the size of shirt collars using a burner account.

The Phils would score thrice in the second, after Williams’ homer and an unidentified injury chased Dodgers’ starter Kenta Maeda and Bryan Colangelo not-so-subtly live-tweeted his son’s basketball games. Odubel Herrera would follow that up with a two-run single to right, scoring the surprisingly swift (unlike Bryan Colangelo) Jorge Alfaro and Hernandez.

After Arrieta, the Phils’ oft-shaky bullpen took over. Hector Neris took a page from Bryan Colangelo’s playbook and was terrible, allowing a run in the eighth, but Tommy Hunter was able to limit the damage.

With the Dodgers burning their bullpen, the Phils were able to capitalize and add some insurance, much like how Philly Twitter was able to capitalize on the revelation that Bryan Colangelo has used burner twitter accounts. The Phils scored in the sixth on an Alfaro RBI double; and the ninth, on RBI hits from Maikel Franco and Carlos Santana. Meanwhile, Bryan Colangelo denied any wrong-doing, but coincidentally several of the burner accounts were locked and/or deleted.

In the bottom of the ninth, no longer in a save situation, the Phils sat seemingly new closer Seranthony Dominguez, instead turning to Edubray Ramos, who pitched a perfect frame—unlike Colangelo, who once threatened to drop kick Embiid off a ladder.

With the win, the Phils improve to 30-22, while Colangelo definitely took the L tonight. The Dodgers drop to 25-29, in a surprisingly struggling season, but Colangelo will be lucky to have a job at all by this time next week.

Also Kevin Stocker once got ejected from a rehab start and his nephew is adorable. Much like how Bryan Colangelo is about to get ejected from twitter.

Good morning folks.


Update: it has been reported that Pedro Florimon will go on the Disabled List with a broken foot. There is no word on a corresponding move as yet, though by the time many of you read this, that will likely have been announced.