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Scott Kingery is not a shortstop: Brewers 13, Phillies 2

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MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Milwaukee Brewers Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

Hello, and welcome to tonight’s recap. It’s just after 8:05 and I’ve got the game on and I’m ready to watch some baseball! That Phillies win on Thursday felt good, didn’t it? Hopefully they can carry that momentum on to today.

Hey, Cesar Hernandez led off the game with a hit! That’s a great way to start things off. Alright, so Rhys grounded into a double play right after. And now Odubel Herrera has popped out, great.

Now we’re in the bottom of the inning, and holy crap does Jake Arrieta wear his uniform tight. Not that I mind, but it’s a lot of look. I love the confidence! Maybe it’s too tight, though, because he can’t seem to get his stuff together. He just allowed a single, and his pitches are nowhere near where Jorge Alfaro wants them. And now a two-out walk? Noooo, this is not what we need. Whew, thankfully he’s out of it. He’ll totally get back on track in the bottom of the second!

So now it’s the bottom of the second, and everything is falling apart. When I got up to get a beer at the start of the inning, everything was fine. Now the bases are loaded and, oh, okay, Arrieta just hit the pitcher and walked in a run. Wait, did the bases get loaded on... three straight singles? Seriously? Oh crap, Jake does NOT look good. Hopefully he can stop the bleeding here and — COME ON. SCOTT KINGERY. SCOTT KINGERY JUST TOTALLY SCREWED UP ON A DOUBLE PLAY BALL AND NOW TWO MORE RUNS HAVE SCORED.

Hmm, I don’t know, maybe this is happening because SCOTT KINGERY ISN’T A FREAKING SHORTSTOP. HE’S JUST NOT. HE IS A SECOND BASEMAN. I DON’T GET THIS, WHY ARE THEY —

what the hell, while I was ranting, two more runs scored. Of course. Arrieta looked like utter crap and the defense didn’t help him at all. Get ready for another postgame rant, kids.

You know, I’m just going to sit here and drink my beer. I’ll let you know if the Phillies do something bad or good. I’m guessing it’ll be bad and you’ll hear from me soon.

Guess what, I was right! It’s the bottom of the fourth inning now, and everything is terrible. Rhys Hoskins just let a ball fall out of his glove on a liner hit by the pitcher, so good job there. Reminder: Rhys Hoskins isn’t technically a left fielder, are you sensing a theme with this Phillies team?

Great, now Lorenzo Cain just doubled and it’s 6-0. Where’s that beer? It’s empty. I should go get another one before something else happens in this game and oh look Christian Yelich just hit a two-run homer.

I’m going to go get that beer while I scream “WHY IS JAKE ARRIETA STILL IN THIS GAME” into the open fridge.

I’m back, and thank goodness Mark Leiter Jr. has replaced Jake Arrieta. That’s a sentence that’s probably never been uttered before. Thank god, the inning is finally over.

You’ll never guess, but the Phillies also weren’t able to score in the top of the fifth, just like the top of the fourth, third, second, and first innings! We’re in the bottom of the fifth now, and what did we do to deserve this, Mark? What did we do? He gave up a leadoff home run to Hernan Perez, and then three (three!!!!) straight singles. It’s 10-0, and I’m going to run out of beer at this rate.

I have a life, you know? At least I think I do, this game has been so terrible that I’m not even sure anymore. If I do have a life, or loved ones, or anything I care about, is it worth forgetting about those to watch the rest of this game? Is my liver worth this? Is my mind? My eyes? My very soul? Are humans built to tolerate this kind of pain? AND WHAT THE HELL IS SCOTT KINGERY STILL DOING AT SHORTSTOP, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

I have to walk away. The Phillies can’t hear me through the TV screen, or so my boyfriend tells me, and if I keep this up my vocal cords are going to be in a pile on the floor next to my gross, distended, bloated liver, THANKS, PHILLIES. If something else happens, like the Phillies manage to make a comeback from 10 runs down, or they give up another giant pile of runs, I’ll let you know.

...

I like beer. I like it a lot. And I’m back to tell you that, and also that Jesmuel Valentin is pitching. I’m laughing, because he just gave up a two-run homer. And a walk, and a double! It’s 13-1! Whoopee!

I don’t even care. Goodbye, baseball. For tonight at least. There’s another half inning left, but I promise you nothing will happen.

[Nothing else did happen. The Phillies scored one more run and lost 13-2, and there’s just not enough beer in the universe to make it through games like this.]