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Ouch please stop: Nationals 17, Phillies 7

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Whyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee

MLB: Washington Nationals at Philadelphia Phillies Gregory Fisher-USA TODAY Sports

Back when the score to this game was 12-5, I planned out how I was going to write this recap. I was going to cover the good stuff, then get into the bad stuff, and end by saying the Phillies made an attempt at a comeback and it failed.

But screw that.

This game was pain from start to finish, with a few moments of bright, brilliant light that only made the pain that much harder to deal with. Nick Pivetta got righteously screwed by an umpire in the second inning, back when the score was just 4-0. He’d already given up two two-run homers in the first, but an obvious strike three was called ball four by the umpire, Paul Nauert. A strike would have ended the inning, but instead Anthony Rendon hit a three-run homer that chased Pivetta from the game.

If you see Paul Nauert in nature, in the wild, boo him. BOO THIS MAN, FOR HE CAUSED ALL OF TONIGHT’S PAIN.

Okay, I’m exaggerating. He should still be booed, but he wasn’t the only problem. The Phillies’ pitching was just bad. Maybe the pitchers were just all not having a great night. Or maybe it’s because Andrew Knapp, who was starting as Nick Pivetta’s personal catcher again (something I’m not convinced is a good idea), is not very good at calling games or framing pitches. Jorge Alfaro is clearly, clearly superior, and tonight they could have used him.

But also, the pitching just plain sucked.

There were a few non-bad moments. Rhys Hoskins hit a home run after a majestic 14-pitch at-bat. Scott Kingery hit a jack in the fifth inning. And Carlos Santana donged a massive, enormous bomb in the seventh inning. It may have actually left the stadium, and I’m not kidding.

Things weren’t at the Force Level: Embarrassment until the ninth inning. Hector Neris came in for another garbage time appearance, and man, was it ever GAR-BAGE. A solo shot to lead off the inning made it 13-7. After a single and a walk, Neris gave up another home run. 16-7. And the next batter? You guessed it. Another home run. 17-7.

This game was just not good. It was bad. It was bad and I watched every minute and now I’m here, recapping it for you. And now I’m done recapping it for you. Please enjoy your night, and let’s all forget this game ever existed.