Gone Baby Gone: Marlins 3, Phillies 2

You’d think $330 million might buy some dedication to the team. Instead, the Phillies’ highly paid right fielder decided to skip this weekend’s games against the Marlins. Unsurprisingly, without their would-be team leader, the Phillies lost another game - and another series - to the last place Marlins.

After the Phillies were able to put Friday’s night’s debacle behind them with a win on Saturday, they had staff ace Aaron Nola on the mound on Sunday. Nola vs. the Marlins should be an easy win, right? (If you said yes, I’d like to introduce you to the 2019 Philadelphia Phillies because you’ve obviously never watched them before.)

For the first five innings, Nola was as good as ever, and thanks to a caught stealing and a double play, he faced the minimum number of batters. However, the Harper-less offense didn’t seem inclined to provide Nola with much run support. The Phillies were similarly shut down against Marlins starter Elieser Hernandez.

Finally, in the top of the sixth, the Phillies got on the scoreboard thanks to a very unconventional method: A home run by Rhys Hoskins.

Nola might have been shaken up by the sight of Hoskins actually hitting a home run, because he gave back those runs - and one more for good measure - in the bottom of the inning.

The Phillies answered back by doing absolutely nothing productive in the final three innings. They got one hit, and that was promptly undone when Scott Kingery was thrown out attempting to steal.

In the ninth inning, the Phillies had the top of the order up. Normally, this segment of the lineup would have included Harper, but he was too busy spending time with his wife. (What did he need to be there for? His wife’s the one doing all the work, right???) Hoskins had another shot at heroism, but instead he went with the “watch the pitcher throw three strikes over the plate” technique that proved as unsuccessful as you would expect.

And so, the Phillies’ woes against the Marlins continue. Maybe it’s time for us to give up on the Phillies. After all, if the team’s star player can find better things to do with his time, then surely the rest of us can as well.

Note: I really shouldn’t have to say this, but my commentary on Bryce Harper’s absence was entirely sarcastic. He spent this weekend exactly how he should have spent it, and anyone who feels otherwise needs to seriously re-evaluate their priorities.