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MLB: Atlanta Braves at Philadelphia Phillies Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

How to dispose of the NüPhanatic

He’s gone. Now what?

Joyous news reigned over the city on Monday. The evil twin of the Original Phillie Phanatic, the hated NüPhanatic, was gone, replaced with his long lost cousin, the O.G. When the lawyers involved made it clear the team had a choice as to which form the Phanatic would take, all doubt was removed by the team’s social media team.

Now, if you’re like me, you know that Philadelphia as a town had concerns for the NüPhanatic and what would happen to him. They usually have a heart for this kind of sentimentality, so they had to ask the question. Tossed aside onto the scrap heap of history, or preserved forever as a memorial and testament to the team’s years under Joe Girardi? Luckily for us, the fans of the team had some suggestions.

While all of these ideas are fine and good, what are the best options to get rid of the NüPhanatic? Here are a few more!

  • As Justin Klugh put it on the latest episode of Hittin’ Season, roasting the NüPhanatic over a spit at second base during the seventh inning stretch would work.
  • In the days of yore, animals who were classified as “unwanted” were taken into the countryside, left alone and saddened as their prior owners drove away with haste. Since the NüPhanatic is probably the reason for Covid-19 coming into the United States (it’s just science), dropping him off in the country, then slowly pulling away seems like a good idea.
  • Remember HitchBOT? A lovable robot trying to make a cross country trek across our great country couldn’t even get out of Philadelphia before meeting his final fate. Perhaps it’s time to simply release NüPhanatic into the wilds of the streets of Philly and let the people do what they will.

Whatever the team decides to do to move on from the abomination that was NüPhanatic, the decision can’t come soon enough. As one Twitterer put it, there was no Covid-19 pandemic until NüPhanatic showed up. Perhaps the connection to ending the pandemic has always been there.

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