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At times like this, I guess all you can do is laugh: Rockies 12, Phillies 2

Does anybody want to help Bryce win some baseball games? Anybody?

Philadelphia Phillies v Colorado Rockies Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

For the first three innings, this game was really quite fun. In the first, Bryce Harper hit a massive, no-doubter 430 feet to right center field. It was glorious.

In inning number two, Bryce made an absolutely incredible play to nail C.J. Cron at home plate. As soon as the ball left the bat, I was sure the Rockies were going to score, but Bryce Harper had other plans. He took a fast route to the ball and then let it fly at 91 MPH straight into J.T. Realmuto’s glove. J.T. caught the ball, made a perfect turn, and expertly blocked the plate so that Cron had no chance to score. Everything about this play was beautiful. People talk a lot about double play partners, but personally, my favourite defensive duo are Harper and Realmuto, the best outfield assist partners in baseball.

In the next inning, Bryce came to the plate and hit a home run so far it made his last one look like a lazy fly ball. This one went 468 feet, making it the farthest hit home run by a National Leaguer this season. (Ronald Acuña Jr. is in second place with a measly 456 ft homer. Overrated, much?)

I was so excited that I was already starting to prepare Bryce Harper puns for the recap title (“The player so nice they named him Bryce!”), and it looked like we were in for a fun afternoon of Phillies baseball.

Then, the Rockies went on to score 12 unanswered runs, and the Phillies only managed four more hits on the rest of the day. Suffice to say, this game did not deserve a fun Bryce Harper pun for the recap title.

Chase Anderson didn’t look sharp at all today, and I spent the first three innings on edge, wondering if he could make it through his requisite 4-5 innings before disaster caught up to him. Turns out, he could not.

Anderson started the fourth inning by giving up two singles, a sacrifice bunt, a sacrifice fly, and a walk. There were runners on first and third, but there were two outs and the Phillies were still up by one. The pitcher’s spot was due up, and it seemed like Anderson was going to get out of the jam. But pitcher Jon Gray hit an RBI single, and all of a sudden the top of the order was coming up and Anderson looked gassed.

It was pretty clear he needed to come out of the game at that point, but Joe Girardi needed to buy time for a reliever to get warm. Chase Anderson faced two more hitters, allowing another RBI single and a walk.

And that’s when David Hale entered the game with the bases loaded.

I really need to question Joe Girardi’s bullpen management here. Why would he bring in David Hale in a one-run game with two outs, the bases loaded, and the Rockies best hitter at the plate? It seems like Girardi is just so determined to use “set roles” in the bullpen that he won’t change things up no matter what. David Hale is apparently the guy who comes when they need a reliever early in the game regardless of how high-leverage the situation is. Ugh!

Oh yeah, so anyway, David Hale gave up a grand slam to Trevor Story and then the game was basically over.

I enjoyed the chance to see Spencer Howard again, even though he didn’t look too sharp. I was excited to see Nick Maton get another two-hit game. I admired Bailey Falter’s hair in his major league debut. But I also cleaned my room, put away my laundry, and spent about thirty minutes lying under my bed screaming, because I’d rather have done just about anything than watch the rest of this game.

Not only did the pitching staff allow twelve runs, but Cutch and Didi both made some pretty egregious misplays in the field, Alec Bohm went 0-for-4 for the second straight game, and Rhys Hoskins seemed to lose all the momentum he built up over the past few days. It was an ugly one, folks.