Manliness tips from the Philadelphia Phillies

Back at you with another midnight entry for Happy Smarty-days! And this time around, I’m going to give my late-night readers some tips on manliness courtesy of the Philadelphia Phillies teams of yesteryear.

It can be tough being a man these days. There’s so much conflicting information on what to wear, how to act, and how to talk to women. It’s understandable if all that noise has you feeling a little insecure, but don’t worry: The Phillies of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s have your back!

First off, if you’re not sure what you should smell like, just listen to Pete Rose:

Rose and Joe Morgan were teammates on the Reds and would later reunite on the “Wheeze Kids” Phillies, so I’ll presume they were friendly with each other. Otherwise, Morgan’s inquiry regarding Rose’s aftershave would be kind of strange.

You know what? It’s still a little strange. “Oh, that’s right, a man wants to smell like a man” is not something that an ordinary person says. Maybe things were different in the seventies?

We are then treated to Pete Rose singing the Aqua Velva jingle. Here’s an incomplete list of things Pete Rose is not good at:

• Adhering to baseball’s rules regarding gambling
• Adhering to society’s roles of how old a person should be before engaging in a relationship with them
• Singing

Once you splash on some Aqua Velva to smell “like a man” and head out to the bar, what’s the best way to get some attention from the ladies? According to this commercial from 1989, just flash her a couple of tickets to the Phillies game!

A few comments:

0:08 - Based on the look the woman gives him, it's clear that she’s already a little intrigued by the guy wearing his Phillies hat at the bar. But once he flashes those tickets? Game over.

0:13 - Has anyone actually ever gotten so excited at a baseball game that they spill their popcorn?

0:19 - This guy is definitely “man-splaining” something here. She doesn’t seem to mind though.

0:34 - The “You’re in the stands, you’re Phillies fans” jingle slaps, and the team should unironically bring it back, ala the 76ers’ win song.

There you have it, guys: All you need is a little Aqua Velva, a Phillies hat, and a couple of tickets to a game, and you’ll earn your “man card” in no time!

Check back next week when I scour the internet for more helpful tips and suggestions on from the Philadelphia Phillies!