The Good Phight Power Rankings: Radio Commercials III

In 2014, I began my original tongue-in-cheek very very serious Power Rankings series by examining the radio commercials aired on WPHT during Phillies’ broadcasts.

The series went a few weeks, before petering out. In 2018, I rebooted it, by exploring WIP’s commercial lineup.

Starting this year, MLB made yet another in a long series of very bad management decisions of their streaming lineup, by replacing the local commercials on streams with a small set of rotating “internet-friendly” ads. All of which are bad.

Let’s dig in.

10. The Farmer’s Dog. “Dogs are up at dawn. Run for fun. Sleep like champs. And they love eating fresh healthy food.” First of all, nothing outsleeps a cat. And look, I love dogs, I’ve had a number of dogs. In my experience, they are not picky eaters. Dogs eat clothing off the floor. They eat food scraps from the trash. They eat cat poop out of the litter box. I had a dog who would eat wood chips. I am not interested in paying $12/day for custom bespoke food for my dog. The dog doesn’t care. Also they don’t ship to Alaska, but you serve me the ad regardless, despite knowing I’m in Alaska.

9. GCI. This is how I know they know I’m in Alaska, because GCI is an Alaska telecom company. They’re even my ISP. I don’t need the ad, but whatever.

8. The San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. Cool. I enjoy classical music as much as anyone. I’ve even been to see the SFSO. It was an outstanding show. But this ad, which started airing on June 1st, is for a concert series that ran from May 26th through May 28th. In San Francisco. Since I don’t live in San Francisco, or own a working time machine, I guess I’m gonna skip this show.

7. FX. The FX network has advertised a series of shows, including Mayans and The Old Man. All of which seem to feature super dramatic music and the gravelliest voices ever heard on screen. Seriously, the narrator and actors being quoted make John Wick sound bored. We. Are. Going. To War. They. Call. Him. The. Beast. That. Eats. Everything. We. Could. Lose. Everything. I. Was. Built. For. Defending. Things. That. Need. Defending. INCEPTION BWAAAAA NOISE.

6. Numerous podcasts. I don’t want to listen to your podcast about the Red Sox. I don’t want to listen to your podcast about the Beat The Streak thing. I don’t want to listen to your podcast about home living. I definitely don’t want to listen to your podcast about domestic terrorism. I really don’t want to listen to your podcast about college football.

5. Podcasts about podcasts. And I for damn sure do not want to listen to your podcast about other podcasts. “The podcast space is becoming saturated,” yeah, you think?

4. Curiousity Stream. This one is actually kind of interesting. They’ve advertised several shows, on topics ranging from military history to food. But the most intriguing one is “The Curse of the Gothic Symphony,” which supposedly has never been performed because it’s impossible, due to length and complexity, and of course, the curse.

3. Five Hour Energy. They’re running a sweepstakes where by voting on what their next flavor should be, you can enter to win a $10,000 dream vacation to a tropical beach. Because nothing says “energy drink” like relaxing on the beach. Also, who has “shoveling” among their summer chores?

2. Lowes. Memorial Day Savings! Cordless leaf blowers! Electric mowers! Customized laundry!

1. One. There isn’t one because I’ve heard these same fucking ads each about sixty trillion times. Man. Give me “Phil-a-delphia’s so hot right noooow” or “Gus the second most popular groundhog,” or fucking the Yuengling pouring sound. Ok not the pouring sound. But I need something new! My crops are dying.

So that’s it.