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Happy Thanksgiving from The Good Phight
Photo by BRYAN R. SMITH/AFP via Getty Images

Smarty and Brian’s Thanksgiving Post o’Fun - Part One

Bringing you a little Phillies-related joy this Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

It’s everyone’s favorite horse, bringing you holiday greetings. The past few years, I’ve written a post on Thanksgiving, but I realized I mined all the even tangentially Phillies related Thanksgiving content that’s out there. (There are only so many words that can written about Turkey Stearns.) If you somehow missed them during all the holiday excitement, you can check them out here: 2022, 2021, 2020.

In an attempt to find something else to put in this year’s post, I asked my TGP colleague Brian McQuilkin to lend a hand. Will the collaborative effort result in double the fun? Let’s find out!

Man on the street interview

I set up in front of a small neighborhood bar in West Deptford called the Colonial Cafe to ask fans about their favorite Phillies’ players, the team’s chances next season, and their plans for Thanksgiving.

The first patron who agreed to talk with us was Doug Finger, of West Deptford.

TGP: Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping to talk. So, let me ask you, which player from the Phillies would you most like to meet?

Doug: Current or like any player? Because Kruk looks like he’d be succulent and tasty. I bet you the juices just run down your chin.

Championship Series - Arizona Diamondbacks v. Philadelphia Phillies - Game Seven
Would John Kruk make for a good Thanksgiving meal?
Photo by Brian Garfinkel/MLB Photos via Getty Images

TGP: Sorry, I said meet. And let’s stick with the current roster.

Doug: [Expletive], cause I think roasted Kruk would be a delight on Thanksgiving.

TGP: Sure. Sticking with the question of which current player you’d -

Doug: I’m thinkin’ Suarez would be delicious. Bet you a dollar he’s spicy like Rita Moreno.

TGP: Listen, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk, but -

Doug: Turner would make a wonderful stuffing, don’t you think? Maybe do a little turducken thing with him, Schwarber, and Stubbs. I have a homemade infrared cooking barrel in my back yard. It’s as a big as a whale and ready to set sail. It fits about twenty.

TGP: I have to go now. We’ve got this to get to this bit with the multiverse and the Mayflower and all.

Doug: Wait! Do you want to see my basement? It has a pit of happiness!

TGP: Sure. Why not?

Doug: Wait. Are you the guy that wrote the thing about Jake Cave?

TGP: Yes. It came off a little more harsh than I intended, but overall, I think it was an accurate port-

The interview ended when he stabbed me. As with every Thanksgiving, I’m thankful no vital organs were severely damaged.

The Phillies as the crew of the Mayflower

I’m sure we’re not the only Phillies fans to have wondered what it would be like if the crew of the Mayflower consisted of Phillies players. What’s that? Nobody else has ever wondered that? Ever?

Regardless, we fired up the old multiversal transponder and travelled to an alternate reality where the Pilgrims of 1620 were the Phillies players of today. We brought back this log from an unknown crew member.

Day One

We are drawing close to the New World. It has been a harrowing journey, and not without cost. There was a lice infestation, and we were forced to shave the hair and beard of Brother Marsh. The experience should not have proven fatal, yet afterwards he seemed to lose the will to live and quietly passed away.

Day Three

The decision to let Brother Soto steer the ship was clearly misguided. We knew he couldn’t be depended on, and as expected, he had little control and took us wildly off course. We arrived at a chain of islands much further South than we had intended. Still, we decided to row our boats to the island to investigate. That is where we encountered...the creature.

It is hard to accurately describe the thing we found. It had bird-like characteristics but stood over six feet tall with green feathers and bulging eyes. We approached it cautiously but quickly retreated to the boat when it charged at us with tongue extended.

Championship Series - Arizona Diamondbacks v. Philadelphia Phillies - Game Seven
Welcome to the Galapagos Islands, boys
Photo by Mary DeCicco/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Not all of us escaped. Brother Castro fell to the ground when trying to flee was last seen being pummeled by the creature’s bulbous stomach.

To be honest, this wasn’t a huge loss. Nobody could quite determine why Castro came with us in the first place. He didn’t seem to contribute much and was just taking up space which could have been put to better use.

Day Eight

Brother Soto was relieved of his piloting duties, and the job was given to Brother Alvarado. While he had his bout of wildness at first, he eventually got things settled down and back on course.

We have arrived at Plymouth Rock. Spirits are high.

Day Nine

We have encountered the natives of the new world. While we have heard stories from other travelers to this continent of hostility, thus far, the natives have seemed peaceable. Brothers Castellanos and Stubbs have gone into their village so that we might establish good relations with them.

Day Twelve

Our efforts to secure a consistent source of food have not gone as well as hoped. We brought Brother Turner aboard due to his reputation as being one of the greatest hunters around. But thus far, he has been unable to snare or kill any sort of animal, and he appears to be disturbingly overmatched. If he is unable to find his previous form, all may be lost.

The news has not all been bad. Although he was a late addition to our crew, Brother Lorenzen has made an immediate impact, hunting down deer with impressive efficiency. Perhaps it may be too early to declare such a thing, but he appears to be an amazing addition to our cause.

We have also been helped by one of our older members. Brother Kimbrel was thought to be far past his prime as a hunter, but he has been shockingly effective. He stands out in the field and poses like a bird, and the turkeys are drawn to him, believing him to be one of their own. By the time they realize their mistake, it is too late for them.

Championship Series - Philadelphia Phillies v Arizona Diamondbacks - Game Four
The turkeys believed Craig Kimbrel to be one of them
Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Day Sixteen

Not everyone is thriving in the New World. Brother Bohm is clearly homesick and does not care for this new frontier. After more than one long day building houses, he has been heard to utter, “I doth loathe this place.”

Day Nineteen

Huzzah! Brother Harper has made an incredible recovery. Our doctors believed he wouldn’t be able to effectively hunt for another two months, but he appears to have superhuman healing ability and should be up and able to work the fields in another week or so. This is the most encouraging development we have encountered thus far.

Day Twenty-One

Relations with the natives have taken a turn for the worse. Brother Realmuto contracted smallpox, and refused to utilize any of our healing treatments. He then ventured to the native village and may have spread the disease among their population. They are understandably unhappy with us.

Will the Pilgrims be wiped out by a vengeful native tribe? Will Brother Turner regain his form? Will Brother Lorenzen continue to thrive?

Find out the answers to these questions and several others you assuredly never asked in part two tomorrow!

Before we go, we have an important message:

There are a lot of people hurting in the world right now. Hell, even in our own back yard there are people who struggle to put food on the table. Kids go hungry in a land of plenty.

If you’re lucky enough to gather with family to enjoy a small feast while watching football, maybe take a moment to be thankful for what you have and the family around you. And if your financial situation allows it, and you’re so inclined, consider lending a hand to those less fortunate by donating to Philabundance by clicking here. They do amazing work in their mission to end hunger in the Philadelphia area.

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