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Happy Thanksgiving!
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Smarty and Brian’s Thanksgiving Post o’ Fun - Part Two

More Thanksgiving hilarity to read while avoiding your family

Did you enjoy part one of our Post o’ fun? Honestly, it doesn’t matter because either way, we’re back with more. Besides, when you’re at Thanksgiving dinner and Uncle Frank starts ranting about politics, or when your nephew starts ranting about Pokémon (or vice versa?), you’ll be glad you have something to distract you for a few minutes.

I’d like to think that the late afternoon football game could serve as a distraction, but sadly I don’t see the Commanders putting up much resistance against the Cowboys. And on paper, the early game looks like a bit of a mismatch as well, except unlike most seasons, the mismatch is in favor of the Detroit Lions.

I can’t be the only one who feels a little unsettled when the Lions are actually good. It’s a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition to ease into the day by watching the Lions get spanked. Normally, I’ll root for the Lions in that game because they aren’t often jockeying for playoff positioning with the Eagles, but this year, I’ll actually have to cheer against them since they might be the main competition for the NFC’s top seed.

But enough about football! Let’s get to why you all came here: Content that somehow relates to both the Philadelphia Phillies and Thanksgiving!

The Phillies as Thanksgiving foods

Copying an idea from past Thanksgiving columns, we debated the Phillies as Thanksgiving foods. Here’s what we came up with:

Zack Wheeler: Gravy - Maybe it seemed expensive when you bought it, but man was it worth it! It goes great with everything and can absolutely carry a meal.

Aaron Nola: Turkey - It’s pretty much synonymous with Thanksgiving, but opinion is split as to just how good it is. Some people absolutely love it, while others think it’s highly overrated and definitely not an ace.

The disparity in opinion makes sense because the quality of the turkey can vary greatly. Sometimes, when it’s cooked right, it is juicy and delicious, and other times it inexplicably collapses during the Rav4th inning.

One thing is for sure: It’s not going anywhere for a while. But it’s also gotten more expensive, so I don’t expect the debates over its value to end anytime soon.

Ranger Suarez: Mashed potatoes - Maybe it’s not the first thing you look for, but it’s a valuable part of the meal, and if they aren’t on the table, you quickly realize how much it’s needed.

Taijuan Walker: Peach cobbler with a funny aftertaste - Tasted pretty good at first, but much less so as you continued to eat. By the end, you couldn’t take another bite, and just decided that other desserts would be better options.

Orion Kerkering: An undercooked ham - It smelled delicious in the oven, and you got your hopes up, but after a few bites, you realized that it needed a little more time.

The Phillies as the crew of the Mayflower: The thrilling conclusion!

Continuing from yesterday, we travelled to an alternate universe where the crew of the Mayflower consisted of members of the 2023 Phillies. Here’s a log of their adventures in the new world.

Day Twenty-Five

Sure enough, Brother Harper has returned to active work. While he’s not as powerful when working the fields as in the past, we’re all confident that he’ll soon regain his form.

Day Twenty-Six

After tensions caused by Brother Realmuto spreading smallpox to their population, the efforts of Brothers Castellanos and Stubbs have gone a long way towards mending relations with the natives. When we first arrived, the natives were dressed in fully buttoned up shirts, but on the prompting of Brother Castellanos, they’ve taken to unbuttoning most of their buttons, or in some cases, going completely shirtless.

Additionally, Brother Stubbs has improved the vibes between our groups tremendously. He’s taught the natives some dances, which are supposedly done to prompt rain, but many suspect that they’re just the effect of drinking alcohol.

Day Thirty

Unfortunately, we have suffered more losses. Brother Clemens has passed away. He was only with us on behest of his much more famous father, and his limited duties have been assumed by Brother Cave. While there were some hopes for Brother Cave based on his practice techniques, he is simply unable to perform at a competent level as a hunter.

Day Thirty-Four

Thanks to the work of Brother Harper, relations with the natives are better than ever. He has fully embraced their culture, going as far to dress like them and copying some of their rituals. If it was someone else, it might come off as pandering, but the natives seem to feel that Brother Harper is sincere in his efforts to join them.

Day Thirty-Six

Brother Turner’s problems have continued and may have even gotten worse. However, he received a good deal of encouragement from a most unexpected source: The natives. Despite some considering them to be cruel savages, the natives have given him a great deal of encouragement.

MLB: AUG 04 Royals at Phillies
A little encouragement from the natives can go a long way
Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

We could use him. After his strong first impression, Brother Lorenzen has contributed next to nothing, and we fear that his reputation may be a bit overstated. Additionally, it appears we have leaned on Brother Kimbrel a bit too much. He’s been much less effective a hunter in recent days.

Day Forty-One

Brother Turner’s recovery has been remarkable. Since he was encouraged by the natives, he has been every bit the hunter we expected. Apparently, adjusting to a new world can be difficult for some people, and a little bit of support can go a long way.

Day Forty-Four

We have gotten word that a group of braves from a different tribe will be attacking us soon. We are concerned, because they are regarded as being powerful, but we are confident that we will be able to fend them off.

Day Forty-Nine

We have successfully repelled the braves’ attack! Our native friends have relayed to us that the braves are bitter about the defeat, and they are complaining that the format of the battle was unfair to them, and the more worthy group wasn’t victorious.

Day Fifty-Three

To celebrate our victory as well as our friendship with the natives, we are planning a grand feast to show how thankful we are.

Day Fifty-Five

The Thanksgiving feast did not go as well as hoped. It started off nicely, and Brother Stubbs began making plans for an after-dinner celebration. But then we suffered an unfortunate infestation of snakes. We didn’t see them coming, and at first, we thought they’d be repelled easily enough, but they proved much tougher than expected.

Schwarze Kreuzotter, Hoellenotter
Damned snakes ruin everything!
Photo by Horst Helwig/McPhoto/ullstein bild via Getty Images

Brother Castellanos attempted to fend off the snakes with a blade, but swung wildly, and couldn’t hit any of them. Brother Turner reverted to his pre-encouragement form and also couldn’t do any damage.

Brother Wheeler bought us time when held off the snakes as we retreated to our homes. But even a return home couldn’t stop the snake attack. Not all of us survived. The last we saw of Brother Kimbrel, he was being overwhelmed by the snakes, and it seems safe to say that we won’t be seeing him at next year’s feast.

Day Fifty-Six

While we are saddened about how the feast ended, it shouldn’t sour our feelings on how our time in the new world has gone. I feel confident that we will be back next year, and it will prove to be ultimately successful.

From all of us at The Good Phight, we hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving!

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