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The Hamburglar!

This is what you voted for!

2022 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
Ronald McDonald poses with his nemesis, the Hamburglar
Photo by James Devaney/Getty Images

29 days in, and I’ve thus far followed through on my attempt to post something new every day of December. But it hasn’t always been easy. Some days, ideas for posts have been hard to come by. That’s why I decided to crowd source the idea for today’s post.

And the people have spoken:

This summer, I discovered that the kids of today are not very familiar with the denizens of McDonaldland. McDonalds ran a promotion celebrating Grimace’s birthday, and a lot of kids didn’t know what the heck they were talking about. (But they apparently did enjoy the purple shakes.)

Therefore, I can’t go into this post assuming that everyone will know who the Hamburglar is. For the uneducated, here’s a quick primer:

McDonalds used to run a series of kid-friendly advertisements featuring the friendly clown, Ronald McDonald. He lived in McDonaldland along with some of his wacky pals like Grimace, Birdie, and the Fry Guys.

Needing to up the tension, they introduced a new villain: The Hamburglar!

I’m not sure how this commercial increased business, because even as an adult, I’m a little terrified. Why do so many commercials from the 70’s look like they were conceived by someone on LSD? (I may have answered my own question.)

Over the years, the company realized it wasn’t a good idea to frighten their young customers, they softened the Hamburglar’s appearance, and made him more of a friendly nuisance:

Since this is still ostensibly a Phillies blog, I needed to find a way to somehow relate the Hamburglar to the baseball team. I thought about comparing Phillies players to McDonaldland characters, and here’s what I came up with:

Ronald McDonald: Bryce Harper - The main man and face of the franchise

Grimace: Kyle Schwarber - Loveable oaf

The Fry Kids: The Daycare - Young and mischievous

Birdie: Craig Kimbrel - I don’t think I need to explain this one

I wasn’t sure who would be best as the Hamburglar. Trea Turner comes to mind because he steals a lot of bases, but Turner is also devastatingly handsome, while the Hamburglar is not. Turner is also usually successful in his swipes, while the Hamburglar almost always gets caught by Ronald. So maybe J.T. Realmuto, who was caught stealing five times in 2023?

Since the Hamburglar serves as an antagonist, perhaps it makes more sense to look at Phillies opponents. Ronald Acuna Jr stole seven bases against them in 2023, while Colorado’s Ryan McMahon got caught stealing on three separate occasions last year.

If you have any thoughts on which Phillie or non-Phillie would be the best comparison to the Hamburglar, please share in the comments. And I’ll be back tomorrow with a post that probably has a little bit more to do with baseball.