A mystery on the Phillies’ first day in Clearwater

Flatulence.

It’s something that the inner child in us will never not find amusing. There are times when it can pounce on you with an unexpectedness that can cause embarrassment, but for the most part, whenever someone finds the need or desire to pass gas, a chuckle is bound to follow from those in its vicinity. There are times when a medical condition will require it to appear, a needed exercise that will allow one to exit the hospital after a procedure.

This was a dark and strange thrill ride of a Twitter search, looking for videos and evidence of what makes flatulence necessary and what isn’t, but it’s something that binds us, something that puts us on the same level as the athletes we admire, the ones we watch each and every night. It’s the closest thing we have to the celebrity magazines and the sections “See, they’re just like us!”

Athletes are no exception. Some of earth’s mightiest heroes are known not just for their exploits in the arena or on the field. They’re known for their shared traits with you and me.

The occasional expulsion of gas has been a not uncommon theme around the Phillies for the past decade. When a true fan thinks of a time in the team’s rebuild when a fart has become a major topic, one flashes back to Cliff Lee. Lee, as you might recall in 2014, was nearing the end of his epic run as an ace-level starter in the league. No longer needed on a team that was nearing the beginning of a torturous rebuild, Lee was starting to audition for suitors around the game. In his first start in July following nearly two missed months of injury, Lee posted his worst start of his season, allowing six runs over 5 ²⁄₃ innings against the Giants. When giving his postgame interview, he answered the questions in his usual terse manner before concluding the session in an emphatic way.

No, flatulence is no stranger to the confines of the Phillies of yore. Not being privy to the inner workings of the clubhouse, there is no doubt there is at least one player on the team that the other 25 try desperately to stay upwind of.

Which brings us to the mystery of the day.

Scouring the social media sites yesterday, you were showered with pictures and sounds of baseball returning from its winter slumber. The crack of the bats, the popping of mitts, these are the sounds that remind us that the boys of summer are nearer to sending us on another 162 game thrill ride again. But it was another sound that started the year off, the initial press conference of one of the team’s stars getting us wondering:

The number of Schwarbombs Kyle hit last year more than justified his contract. Without his power, the team may not have even made the playoffs, let alone gone on the run that they did.

This, though.

This was a different kind of Schwarbomb. Was our hero baking brownies at his first press conference of the season?

Let’s look at the evidence. Right before the sound is heard (hot mics have a whole new meaning now), Kyle does an all-too-familiar lean forward. It’s one of the classic go-to moves one does when the need to release arises. He even does the pause in what he was saying as if to emphasize what was about to happen, a way for those in the back to make sure they picked up on. It’s all there, damning in its

Sadly, the evidence does not point in that direction. Look closely and you’ll see that Kyle is sitting in a leather chair. As anyone who has sat on one of these chairs can attest to, even the slightest movement in an awkward way can make the people nearest ask for an explanation. It’s the likely culprit here, the reason for this question to even be asked.

So no, Kyle Schwarber did not fart during his press conference. He’s far too pleasant, far too nice of a person to even consider something so crass.

Man, do we need baseball back.